Spartacus and the fatal decision

Pumpherston Fitba writer Huge Mucklefanny has uncovered evidence that proves Spartacus lost the battle of Brindisium to Laurence Olivier on account of a fatal tactical decision. Up until then Spartacus and his stunt double, Kirk Douglas-who’s no’ deid yet- had been winning battle after battle sticking to a Four Two Four formation and using his tricky wingers to terrorise the flanks. However, against Olivier he changed to a Four Four Two and this confused his army and rendered his tricky wingers ineffective and so the slave revolt led by Spartacus was crushed. It was a sad day but at least the lucky Bastard got to shag Jean Simmons.

My first day of being Fifty Two

Well, that’s me-Fifty Two and how the hell I’ve got this far ah don’t know – well, I do and it’s mainly my Family, who, since my early adulthood have been there at the critical moments in my life to help me out and bail me out of some shite situations. To Linda ,Chris and Davy ah would say that John Martyn’s ‘May you never’ says it all. Good pals have been a factor- I’m lucky that I’ve still got them and am relieved and grateful that I’ve still got them. Anyway, I’ve been lucky this week- I’ve been on holiday and the early April weather has been great – March was F–kin’ Baltic and coming home to the freezin’ flat after a night shift is now a distant memory. I’ve been going to bed about Nine or Ten at night and getting up about six in the morning, enjoying the sun rise and watching the Starlings eat what I’ve left them- they’re noisy Bastards but really entertaining. I’ve had one of those Tivo boxes for a month now and never used it – never watch telly much, maybe Family Guy or the news and that’s it. I’ve been devoting a bit of time to getting my favourite music on the Computer – from ‘Ramblin man’ by the Allman Brothers to ‘I’ve seen all good people’ by Yes- via Borodin, Dave Brubeck,Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, Santana and Stevie Wonder. I’ve been eating a lot more – in fact if I’m being totally honest some of the jobbies I’ve let loose lately probably weighed more than I did in January. So, all in all a good wee week and I’m not back at work till Tuesday.

Bingstock and the Czech Philharmonic Orchestra

Unfortunately I’ll not be able to attend ‘Bingstock’ -the concert for bands that used to hail from Pumphy.I’ll miss not seeing ‘Pumpherston Airplane’- ‘Gladys Knight and the Tips’ and Bruce Bingsteen. Also really gutted about missing out on seeing Pumphy’s very own husband and wife porno stars-Monty Fuck and Fanny Sayer attend the premier of their new film ‘Bings,rings and lubricants’. Still, I have the Czech Philharmonic Orchestra performing Vaughn Williams’ ‘The Lark Ascending’ to look forward to – it’s a beautiful piece of music and a long time favourite of mine.

Scud Broons new flat Diaries

Well, that’s the first month over with and all in all it’s been a no’ bad wee journey so far – F-ckin Baltic though but now that spring, theoretically, [at least] is here the cold should be the last thing on my mind. People at work have been great and very kind and my family have been out of this World as always. It’s a funny thing but when I’m eating my scrambled eggs or Bacon sandwich or whatever when I get in from work in the morning I get a great view of the Pentlands from Scald Law to Hillend- ish but right in front of me, maybe Three or Four Hundred yards away is the wee Bowling club[Letham] and next to that is what remains of the old road which before Livingston was built used to come out onto the Pumphy to Mid Calder road near to the entrance of Dandy’s farm. I can’t remember but when Davy B and I were bairns that old road was a favourite walk of my mothers and she used to take us for walks along it- sometimes starting at Harrysmuir Road and on down through what is now Pine Grove and the Mall and eventually out at the wee junction on the Mid Calder road and sometimes she would take us in the opposite direction. I remember her telling me once that one day as she was starting out on the walk, Mr Porteous, the local bobby told her that it would probably be the last time she’d be able to take us that way as the heavy machinery was about to move in and start building what is now Craigshill- and here I am Fifty years later able to look out at where I used to go as a toddler. ‘That is the land of lost content, I see it shining plain-the happy highways where I went, and cannot come again’ .

Welcome to the new look Scudbroon.com

Tam the wanker by Scud Broon

OOT THE PUB AND FU O’ WHISKY,
THEN GETTING  HAME AND FEELIN’ FRISKY,
THIS TRUTH FAND HONEST WANKER TAM,
PREPARIN FOR A NICHT WI PALM,
BUT SOMEONE STOLE HIS STASH O’ PORN,
HIS MATE WIS BRINGIN’ MARE THE MORN,
BUT TAM – WHIT GUID WIS THAT TAE YOU,
CHOKIN’ AN’ GAGGIN ON A PU?
AROOND THE HOOSE HE HAD A LOOK,
AND, CRIVVENS, FAND SOME DIRTY BOOKS,
BUT, JINGS OOR TAMMY SWAYED AND REELED,
WHEN THEIR CONTENTS WERE REVEALED,
TAM AW TAM HAD THEY BEEN KNAVERS,
OR ASIAN BABES OR SHAVEN RAVERS,
THIR BREEKS O’ YOURS THAT COST TWO BOB,
WAD’VE BEEN WHEECHT RICHT OFF TAE BARE YER KNOB.
AND YE’D  HAVE HAD THAT TINGLY BELLY,
AT THE THOCHT O’ PLAYIN WI YOUR WEE FELLY,
BUT HELP MA BOAB ‘AULD GANG BANG GRANNIES’
WI SUNKEN TITS AND SCARY FANNIES,
WID NE’ER PIT METTLE IN HIS COCK,
BUT MARE THAN LIKELY MAK HIM BOKE,
OOR TAMMY CRAVED SOME STIMULATION,
TO AID HIM WITH HIS MASTURBATION,
A CATALOGUE, A FREEMANS, SAY,
WI SCANTY SEE THROUGH LINGERIE,
WID NO BE GREAT BUT IT WID DAE,
TAE GET HIM STARTED  ON HIS WAY,
THEN, AS IF BY MAGIC , ONE APPEARED,
AND TAMMY THUMBED AND LOOKED AND LEERED,
AND SOON HIS KNOB WAS PRIMED FOR ACTION,
AS HE DREAMED O’ BLISS AND SATISFACTION,
THEN TAMMY SPIED A HANDY SOCK,
THAT HE COULD WRAP AROOND HIS COCK,
‘JINGS’ HE THOCHT ‘HOW GRAND AND BONNIE,
I’LL USE IT AS A RUBBER JOHNNY.
THE ONE STRING BANJO TAMMY PLAYED,
HE COULD BE HEARD FOR MILES, ITS SAID,
INDEED, TWAS  MUSIC TO THE EARS,
WI  TAM  ESPECIALLY CLOSE TO TEARS,
AS TAMMY CHUGGED SAE FAST AND FURIOUS,
THE NEEBORS AW BECAME QUITE CURIOUS,
THE MOANS, THE GROANS,THE CRIES, THE SHRIEKS,
MADE AULD JEAN NEAR SHITE HER BREEKS,
BUT NOSEY JACK WHA’ LIVED NEXT DOOR,
HE WASNY DAFT AND KNEW THE SCORE,
A WANKER ONCE HE’D BEEN HIMSEL,
HE KNEW THE SIGNS AND HE COULD TELL,
“YA DIRTY HOOR” AULD NOSEY BELLOWED,
AND TAM WAS ONE EMBARRASED FELLOW,
BUT JINGS HE COULDN’Y GIVE A SHIT ,
HE WAS NEARLY AT THE TICKLY BIT,
HE RUBBED AND TUGGED WI  FURIOUS MICHT,
TILL WOW – HE SAW AN UNCO SICHT,
SPUNK ON WINDIES, DOORS AND FLAIRS,
ALONG THE LOBBY AND DOON THE STAIRS,
EVEN AN ELELPHANT MICHT TURN HIS HEID,
AT THE VAST AMOUNT O’ TAMMY’S SEED,
OOR TAM WAS SPENT AND COULDN’Y CARE,
AND THREW THE SOCK BEHIND A CHAIR,
BUT THEN HIS MATE CAME OOT THE SHOWER,
HE HAD HIS WORK AT HALF PAST FOWER,
HE’D LOST A SOCK, SEARCHED EVERYWHERE,
EXCEPT THAT IS BEHIND THE CHAIR,
HE FUND  IT – TAM  THOCHT “HOLY SHIT”
AS HIS MUCKER PULLED IT OWER HIS FIT,
“WHIT THE FUCK” HIS BUDDY ROARED,
AND IN AN INSTANT TAM WAS FLOORED,
WHEN HE’D FELT TAM’S BUSINESS ON HIS FOOT,
HE HOOKED HIM ONCE AND LAID HIM OOT,
THEN HE KNOCKED POOR TAMMY  SILLY,
AND WI GAIRDEN SHEARS – CUT OFF HIS WILLY!

SO, IF TAE DIRTY BOOKS YE ARE INCLINED,
OR THE TEN MINUTE FREEVIEW RUNS THROUGH YER MIND,
OR IF YE SPY A HANDY SOCK,
REMEMBER TAM THE WANKERS COCK!