THE CANCER DIARIES – 10,9,15

Well, my last day of ‘Schemey Therapy’ until the end of the month and a good day all in all.  Started off with Tracey D coming round for a cup of Tea before giving me a lift round to the Hospital. She brought me round a great wee bag of ‘Cancer shopping’- scones, Jam, Chocolate biscuits and a Scotsman- in return for which she will get ‘Cancer parking’ the next time she very kindly offers to give me a lift to St Jocks. Tracey sat in chatting while I was getting the Chemo and we had a laugh in the wiggy waity room when I pointed out the Bon Jovi wig. I was told, however, that the last minute change to my Chemo means that as well as having non Hodgkins Lymphona   I am also getting ‘non Baldy Chemo’ – which is nice. So, a huge thanks to Tracey for kicking off a great wee day. The Steroids are definitely helping – as I write this I am over half way through doing Five Hundred One arm press ups – that’ll be F ing right- but I do seem to have a wee bit more get up and go and energy and feel good about this despite the fact that I am quite ill. It was another beautiful day today- so glorious for September and One that certainly made me appreciate how great it is to be alive – a notion that I’ve been very guilty of ignoring in the past. I suppose it takes something like Cancer to make you think.

THE CANCER DIARIES- Pt 2

Well, I started my ‘Schemey Therapy’ today- but not the treatment I was expecting. My heart scan thing found some problem which the chemo might not have been too good for. So, now, instead of a one day visit to St Jocks I have to go Three days in a row, once a month, until Christmas eve – or possibly beyond. No work for me for a few months- what a pisser that is. The actual treatment is quite straightforward – stuff fed into a vein for a couple of hours – then different stuff fed into the same vein. Like a right fanny I offered my left hand for the drip thing and Five minutes later I was thinking ‘ bang goes the Scotsman crossword and sudoku’ on account of me being left handed. Still, I could read the paper – about how Scotland put up a good show against Germany at the Fitba’. There is no shame in losing by a goal at home to the world champions – conceding an equaliser against Gibraltar and losing to Georgia said more about Scotland than drawing in Poland and taking Four points out of Six against Ireland – the Two countries who, along with Germans, are above us in the group. We still have a Dugs chance of the play offs, but we are talking about Scotland.    Anyway, along with the paper I had a copy of VIZ but couldny read Biffa Bacon because I didny have my specs. The wee MP3 player Davy B got me saved the day, though, as a wee listen to Nolwenn Leroy and the Rolling Stone magazines best songs of 1968, 69, 70,and 71 made for a great listen . It’s quite mind boggling, really, all those great songs from the mid to late Sixties through to the early Seventies. The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Motown, flower power, Simon and Garfunkel, Tom Jones, Petula Clark, The Small Faces, Led Zeppelin, Santana- and the hundreds I’ve not mentioned and should have – Bacharach and David.- I have looked for Fleetwood Lymphs classic album ‘Tumours’ – but I think I’ve got that. Anyway,  more Schemey Therapy tomorrow but not before I have to take the equivalent of Lance Armstrongs Tour De France winning stash of steroids – Seventeen and Three different kinds of other tablets.

THE CANCER DIARIES – Friday, sept 5th

Well, I got the news I was expecting on Wednesday- F–kin’ Cancer -no’ even Lung Cancer, in which case I would’ve thought ‘aye, nae shock there’ – but, naw -I’ve got one that I didn’t see coming. The last Two weeks have been shite- I feel as if I’ve never been away from the Hospital- bits of tissue cut out of me, bone marrow painfully extracted, blood samples, low blood pressure, heart scans. I’m a bit sick of it all – and all that before the real fun begins at mid day on Tuesday with the Chemo F–kin’ therapy. I thought about asking the Doctor how long I’d have without the Chemo. I was thinking that if he said a couple of years I’d have taken that- The European championship in France next year wi’ Davy – Thirty Two years after we were in France for the 1984 tournament – what a nice way to go full circle. They seem to think its important that I begin the treatment as soon as possible- without it I wouldn’t have long.  I don’t know if it’s really sunk in yet- I expect reality will hit home big time on Tuesday. A good and long time friend has told me ‘soup, soup and more soup with nice healthy bread – so, it’s onwards and soupwards for me.

Adieu L’Escure and the Magpies

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES The magpies, which had been a great source of entertainment at the beginning of the Month, building their nest- making sure to vary their route to the nest every time- and cackling away at my window box getting the food I’d left them, seem to have abandoned their home. It’s a blustery day and near the top of the tall tree just outside my window I can see the nest as the top branches are being pushed and pulled by the wind – but there are no Magpies to be seen. Before I left for Bordeaux I did see a crow near the nest and I reckon he’s chased them off. A farewell of a different kind last Saturday in Bordeaux as the fans of Girondins de Bordeaux FC said ‘Adieu L’Escure’ and watched their team play and win their last match in the stadium. To say I was lucky enough to be there would be a bit of an understatement. Six of us made up the GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE – Hamo, who had been the Agent provocateur of the trip back in January, Stevie and I made up the old guard, veterans who’s third time together in the stadium this would be- we were there in 98 for the Scotland Norway world cup match and again in 2010 for the Bordeaux v Lorient league match. Hamo’s son Andrew and his pal Allan made five and last but not least was Davy Broon, my brother who Thirty years previously had been in the stadium along with me to see Marius Tresor play his farewell match for the club. Hamo pulled off the equivalent of a Giresse hat trick in a European cup final when he got T shirt felly to make the GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE T shirts. If the six of us got a Euro for every time we were asked to have a photo taken we’d still be in Bordeaux now – it was amazing. Between us all we got interviewed by newspapers, radio, made it on TV and on to the official Bordeaux FC website. The Ultra marines- the hard core fans- had organized a farewell party in the Place de la Republique and the old legends were up on stage- Marius Tresor, Allan Giresse and Patrick Battiston who all played in the match that Davy and I watched almost Thirty years ago. We just got bombarded with photo requests until the square was so full you could hardly move. After the farewell speeches and a sing song it was ‘le marche’ to the stadium. Between six and Eight Thousand fans started on the march and in no time there were bottle necks and tail backs – but everyone was in party mode and never let it become a problem. I was struggling a wee bit by now-my leg was so painful and I began to get a bit claustrophobic feeling like a sardine in a tin when we came to a building with wide steps. We managed to break free of the crowd and climbed the dozen or so steps to the top and then Davy unravelled the big YES flag -YES as in ram yer Britain up yer arse and not the 1970’s rock band. The Six GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE then stood in a line and clapped the Bordeaux fans as they marched by in their Hundreds and they reciprocated with chants of Scotland and Ecosse and they were applauding us and taking pictures and it was all quite surreal. We arrived at a bar near the stadium with no tickets and within no time Davy, like James Garner the scrounger in the great escape came back with Four – ya beauty. The atmosphere inside the stadium was fantastic. Hamo and I were in amongst the ‘ultra marines’ who rolled out the gigantic flag that covers almost everyone behind the goals – it’s quite weird being under a flag with Thousands of other people- especially when half of them seem to be smoking the Bob Hope. Davy was behind the other goals which like the rest of the stadium was a sea of flags and scarves and the carnival atmosphere continued for the ninety minutes of the match. What a day.

Spartacus and the fatal decision

Pumpherston Fitba writer Huge Mucklefanny has uncovered evidence that proves Spartacus lost the battle of Brindisium to Laurence Olivier on account of a fatal tactical decision. Up until then Spartacus and his stunt double, Kirk Douglas-who’s no’ deid yet- had been winning battle after battle sticking to a Four Two Four formation and using his tricky wingers to terrorise the flanks. However, against Olivier he changed to a Four Four Two and this confused his army and rendered his tricky wingers ineffective and so the slave revolt led by Spartacus was crushed. It was a sad day but at least the lucky Bastard got to shag Jean Simmons.

My first day of being Fifty Two

Well, that’s me-Fifty Two and how the hell I’ve got this far ah don’t know – well, I do and it’s mainly my Family, who, since my early adulthood have been there at the critical moments in my life to help me out and bail me out of some shite situations. To Linda ,Chris and Davy ah would say that John Martyn’s ‘May you never’ says it all. Good pals have been a factor- I’m lucky that I’ve still got them and am relieved and grateful that I’ve still got them. Anyway, I’ve been lucky this week- I’ve been on holiday and the early April weather has been great – March was F–kin’ Baltic and coming home to the freezin’ flat after a night shift is now a distant memory. I’ve been going to bed about Nine or Ten at night and getting up about six in the morning, enjoying the sun rise and watching the Starlings eat what I’ve left them- they’re noisy Bastards but really entertaining. I’ve had one of those Tivo boxes for a month now and never used it – never watch telly much, maybe Family Guy or the news and that’s it. I’ve been devoting a bit of time to getting my favourite music on the Computer – from ‘Ramblin man’ by the Allman Brothers to ‘I’ve seen all good people’ by Yes- via Borodin, Dave Brubeck,Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, Santana and Stevie Wonder. I’ve been eating a lot more – in fact if I’m being totally honest some of the jobbies I’ve let loose lately probably weighed more than I did in January. So, all in all a good wee week and I’m not back at work till Tuesday.

Bingstock and the Czech Philharmonic Orchestra

Unfortunately I’ll not be able to attend ‘Bingstock’ -the concert for bands that used to hail from Pumphy.I’ll miss not seeing ‘Pumpherston Airplane’- ‘Gladys Knight and the Tips’ and Bruce Bingsteen. Also really gutted about missing out on seeing Pumphy’s very own husband and wife porno stars-Monty Fuck and Fanny Sayer attend the premier of their new film ‘Bings,rings and lubricants’. Still, I have the Czech Philharmonic Orchestra performing Vaughn Williams’ ‘The Lark Ascending’ to look forward to – it’s a beautiful piece of music and a long time favourite of mine.

Scud Broons new flat Diaries

Well, that’s the first month over with and all in all it’s been a no’ bad wee journey so far – F-ckin Baltic though but now that spring, theoretically, [at least] is here the cold should be the last thing on my mind. People at work have been great and very kind and my family have been out of this World as always. It’s a funny thing but when I’m eating my scrambled eggs or Bacon sandwich or whatever when I get in from work in the morning I get a great view of the Pentlands from Scald Law to Hillend- ish but right in front of me, maybe Three or Four Hundred yards away is the wee Bowling club[Letham] and next to that is what remains of the old road which before Livingston was built used to come out onto the Pumphy to Mid Calder road near to the entrance of Dandy’s farm. I can’t remember but when Davy B and I were bairns that old road was a favourite walk of my mothers and she used to take us for walks along it- sometimes starting at Harrysmuir Road and on down through what is now Pine Grove and the Mall and eventually out at the wee junction on the Mid Calder road and sometimes she would take us in the opposite direction. I remember her telling me once that one day as she was starting out on the walk, Mr Porteous, the local bobby told her that it would probably be the last time she’d be able to take us that way as the heavy machinery was about to move in and start building what is now Craigshill- and here I am Fifty years later able to look out at where I used to go as a toddler. ‘That is the land of lost content, I see it shining plain-the happy highways where I went, and cannot come again’ .

Welcome to the new look Scudbroon.com

Tam the wanker by Scud Broon

OOT THE PUB AND FU O’ WHISKY,
THEN GETTING  HAME AND FEELIN’ FRISKY,
THIS TRUTH FAND HONEST WANKER TAM,
PREPARIN FOR A NICHT WI PALM,
BUT SOMEONE STOLE HIS STASH O’ PORN,
HIS MATE WIS BRINGIN’ MARE THE MORN,
BUT TAM – WHIT GUID WIS THAT TAE YOU,
CHOKIN’ AN’ GAGGIN ON A PU?
AROOND THE HOOSE HE HAD A LOOK,
AND, CRIVVENS, FAND SOME DIRTY BOOKS,
BUT, JINGS OOR TAMMY SWAYED AND REELED,
WHEN THEIR CONTENTS WERE REVEALED,
TAM AW TAM HAD THEY BEEN KNAVERS,
OR ASIAN BABES OR SHAVEN RAVERS,
THIR BREEKS O’ YOURS THAT COST TWO BOB,
WAD’VE BEEN WHEECHT RICHT OFF TAE BARE YER KNOB.
AND YE’D  HAVE HAD THAT TINGLY BELLY,
AT THE THOCHT O’ PLAYIN WI YOUR WEE FELLY,
BUT HELP MA BOAB ‘AULD GANG BANG GRANNIES’
WI SUNKEN TITS AND SCARY FANNIES,
WID NE’ER PIT METTLE IN HIS COCK,
BUT MARE THAN LIKELY MAK HIM BOKE,
OOR TAMMY CRAVED SOME STIMULATION,
TO AID HIM WITH HIS MASTURBATION,
A CATALOGUE, A FREEMANS, SAY,
WI SCANTY SEE THROUGH LINGERIE,
WID NO BE GREAT BUT IT WID DAE,
TAE GET HIM STARTED  ON HIS WAY,
THEN, AS IF BY MAGIC , ONE APPEARED,
AND TAMMY THUMBED AND LOOKED AND LEERED,
AND SOON HIS KNOB WAS PRIMED FOR ACTION,
AS HE DREAMED O’ BLISS AND SATISFACTION,
THEN TAMMY SPIED A HANDY SOCK,
THAT HE COULD WRAP AROOND HIS COCK,
‘JINGS’ HE THOCHT ‘HOW GRAND AND BONNIE,
I’LL USE IT AS A RUBBER JOHNNY.
THE ONE STRING BANJO TAMMY PLAYED,
HE COULD BE HEARD FOR MILES, ITS SAID,
INDEED, TWAS  MUSIC TO THE EARS,
WI  TAM  ESPECIALLY CLOSE TO TEARS,
AS TAMMY CHUGGED SAE FAST AND FURIOUS,
THE NEEBORS AW BECAME QUITE CURIOUS,
THE MOANS, THE GROANS,THE CRIES, THE SHRIEKS,
MADE AULD JEAN NEAR SHITE HER BREEKS,
BUT NOSEY JACK WHA’ LIVED NEXT DOOR,
HE WASNY DAFT AND KNEW THE SCORE,
A WANKER ONCE HE’D BEEN HIMSEL,
HE KNEW THE SIGNS AND HE COULD TELL,
“YA DIRTY HOOR” AULD NOSEY BELLOWED,
AND TAM WAS ONE EMBARRASED FELLOW,
BUT JINGS HE COULDN’Y GIVE A SHIT ,
HE WAS NEARLY AT THE TICKLY BIT,
HE RUBBED AND TUGGED WI  FURIOUS MICHT,
TILL WOW – HE SAW AN UNCO SICHT,
SPUNK ON WINDIES, DOORS AND FLAIRS,
ALONG THE LOBBY AND DOON THE STAIRS,
EVEN AN ELELPHANT MICHT TURN HIS HEID,
AT THE VAST AMOUNT O’ TAMMY’S SEED,
OOR TAM WAS SPENT AND COULDN’Y CARE,
AND THREW THE SOCK BEHIND A CHAIR,
BUT THEN HIS MATE CAME OOT THE SHOWER,
HE HAD HIS WORK AT HALF PAST FOWER,
HE’D LOST A SOCK, SEARCHED EVERYWHERE,
EXCEPT THAT IS BEHIND THE CHAIR,
HE FUND  IT – TAM  THOCHT “HOLY SHIT”
AS HIS MUCKER PULLED IT OWER HIS FIT,
“WHIT THE FUCK” HIS BUDDY ROARED,
AND IN AN INSTANT TAM WAS FLOORED,
WHEN HE’D FELT TAM’S BUSINESS ON HIS FOOT,
HE HOOKED HIM ONCE AND LAID HIM OOT,
THEN HE KNOCKED POOR TAMMY  SILLY,
AND WI GAIRDEN SHEARS – CUT OFF HIS WILLY!

SO, IF TAE DIRTY BOOKS YE ARE INCLINED,
OR THE TEN MINUTE FREEVIEW RUNS THROUGH YER MIND,
OR IF YE SPY A HANDY SOCK,
REMEMBER TAM THE WANKERS COCK!