The story of Fitba’ in pumphy begins with the great Paraffinikos team of the 1880’s.They were the Queens Park of West Lothian,spreading the beautiful game to out of the way places like Fawhoo and Threemiletoun-the spark that lit the flame. In 1885 they won the fore runner of the Champions league when they beat the Ivan the terrible Biscuit factory 3-1 in the final of the European Industrial cup.As a reward for winning the Trophy the team were taken on holiday to Greece.Some of the curious locals turned up to watch the men from Pumphy play this strange game and in time formed their own team calling it Panathinaikos,in homage to the great Paraffinikos. With the expansion of shale mining in Pumphy there was room for another Fitba’ team and,so,in 1896,the year that ‘Auld Scud’ was born,so too were the famous Bingfica.Originally called Bingfecal on account of their fans throwing shite at the opposition from the top of the Bing,they changed the name when they were voted into the West Lothian Shale mining League.By the turn of the century they were recognised as the best team in Britain.In 1902 they emulated the great Paraffinikos by winning the European Industrial cup,beating the Vladivostok Fish Factory 2-0 in the final.As a reward for winning the Trophy the team were taken to Lisbon on holiday.Once again curious locals turned up to watch them play Fitba and in time formed their own team,and in homage to the Pumphy legends. Part Two to follow soon.
In Five years of the premier league the old firm had won it Twice, been runners up Twice and finished Fifth Once. Over the Five years Rangers amassed 237 points[averaging Forty Nine per season]Celtic were on 234 points[av,Forty Eight],Aberdeen had 218 points for an average of Forty Four per season-Dundee United had 194 points for an average of Thirty Eight per season. Hibs were the only other team to play in the top division in its first five years. Records- Most points in a season 55,Rangers 1977/78-most wins in a season-24,Rangers 1977/78-fewest goals conceded in a season 24, Rangers, 1975/76-most goals scored in a season 79,Celtic 1976/77-fewest defeats in a season 4,Celtic 1976/77 -fewest points in a season 11,St Johnstone 1975/76-fewest wins in a season 3,St Johnstone 1975/76-most defeats in a season 28,St Johnstone 1975/76-most goals conceded in a season 86,Motherwell 1978/79 -fewest goals scored in a season 23,Clydebank 1977/78. Over the course of those first Five years Rangers lost just Eight league games at home-Twice to Aberdeen and St Mirren and once to Hibs,Dundee United,Celtic and Hearts. Celtic lost Eleven matches at home in the same period-Four against Motherwell,Three against Aberdeen,Two[in the same season]against St Mirren and One each against Hibs and Ayr United. Aberdeen,St Mirren and Hibs were the only sides who recorded victories away from home against both halves of the old firm after Five seasons of the premier league. Outwith the league those same Five seasons saw Dundee United and Aberdeen each win the league cup and Aberdeen lose a final.The old firm dominated the Scottish cup during this period-Rangers winning it Three times and reaching the final Twice,losing to Celtic both times-Hibs,Aberdeen and Hearts all reached,and lost,the final.
At the end of the next season [78/79] Dundee United were top after playing their Thirty Six matches-unfortunately for united a terrible winter[some teams didn’t play for Two months] caused a huge fixture back log and the old firm had enough games in hand take the top Two places-Celtic finishing top with Forty Eight points,Rangers Three points behind.United finished Third with Forty Four points and Aberdeen ended up in Fourth place with Forty points. Hibs,in Fifth place,had a fine season at home-losing only Twice and conceding less than a goal a game. St Mirren and Morton finished on Thirty Six points each,a point behind Hibs and Eighth placed Partick Thistle were only Eleven points behind runners up,Rangers.Hearts and Motherwell finished well off the pace with Twenty Three and Seventeen points respectively. So,after four seasons of Premier league football things seemed to be a bit more competitive but it was still Fourteen years since a team outwith the old firm had won the league. The 1979-80 season was the season when the storm from the East first blew across the premier league. Aberdeen finally broke the old firm duopoly when they finished the season as champions,a point ahead of Celtic[Forty Seven] and Six ahead of Third placed St Mirren who ended up on Forty Two points.Dundee United and Rangers were Fourth and Fifth,respectively,finishing the season on Thirty Seven points-Eleven points behind champions,Aberdeen and Eleven points ahead of relegated Dundee.The Dark Blues had the small consolation of not finishing bottom on account of Hibs losing Twenty Four of Thirty Six league matches.Sixteen of their Eighteen points were won at home. Dundee United kept Fourteen clean sheets in their Eighteen home matches,conceding just six goals and losing Two matches.Earlier in the season United picked up their first major honour when they beat Aberdeen in the League cup final-with Celtic winning the Scottish cup we had the Three major trophies being won by Three different teams.So,a healthy argument for the premier league achieving what it set out to achieve.Some facts and figures to come in part Four
A while back I’d mentioned to my brother the German footballer who smoked the silk cut fags-‘Low tar Mattheus’ and it got me thinking about some other daft stuff.There was the famous Dutch player from the Seventies who was the dope smokers worst nightmare-Johan Naeskins and his ex team mate who ended up selling condoms on club 18-30 holidays-Johnny Rep.That train of thought then headed off on a wee branch line to mad fitba’ teams.Now that We’re all European we should trade names with euro zone fitba’ teams.We could have Borrussia Newton Wamphray,Red star Lasswade,Florence mechanics,K.G.B Strollers and last,but by no means least,Dukla Pumpherston. you never know,it might turn out to be a hit-which is more than can be said for the euro zone. I know next to nothing about politics and my interest in economics goes as far as trying not to run out of Tea bags and Roll ups but even Helen Keller,in a cave with Forty feet of heavy duty blackout curtain wrapped aroond her heid,would be able to figure out that something’s no’ right here. Thousands of years ago people from the Eastern Mediterranean and North Africa traded with people from ‘The Tin Isles'[what they called Britain] and they seemed to dodge away nicely without a single currency.
I watched the match last night and it was heartbreaking stuff.The first thing that struck me was the state of the Serbian pitch -ah thought it was a disgrace to International Fitba’.We’ve got Hampden which is probably one of the most famous grounds in the world and its a glorious and wonderful place to be when its full, but ah canny help thinking that Hampden and Scotland is like having a beautiful dinner service with no food to go with it .Ah’m no’ keen on slaggin’ Scotland off but that was Shite. We canny string one pass together,let alone Two and there’s nae imagination,nae skill`F-All. What ah’d like to know is,what are Serbia doing that we’re no’ doin’ -Why are Montenegro,croatia,Wherethefucksthatistan and some country that’s just Three days auld wi’ a population of seven better than us. If we continue like this,in a generation,we’ll be playing oor world cup qualifiers at Recreation Park Pumpherston.Which,when ye think aboot it,isny a bad thing-they do a guid warm pie.Ah couldny say if the pies are meant to be hot-but who cares,they’re guid. There has to be a massive overhaul of scottish football from school level all the way up.The Dutch did it in the 60’s after they embarrassingly lost to Luxembourg in a European championship qualifier.Around Ten years later,the first ‘Golden generation’ of of Dutch footballers had reached a world cup final and played in,and won,Four successive European cup finals.Despite a wee blip in the mid Eighties The Netherlands have consistently produced ‘Golden generations’ and ah sometimes think to myself why don’t we look closely at how they do it.
A look at the final table for the 77-78 season showed that the main aim of the Premier League-to loosen the old firm domination of Scottish football-might not be far away.Aberdeen finished up Two points behind champions,Rangers,with Fifty Three points.The Dons won Three of their Four league matches against the Ibrox club,scoring Ten goals and conceding Four.Dundee United were Third with Forty points,Hibs were Fourth on Thirty Seven. Celtic,the Champions,ended up in Fifth place,losing Fifteen of Thirty Six league matches.They lost Four times at Celtic park -0-1 twice to Motherwell and 1-2 twice to St Mirren. Clydebank,after back to back promotions,found life in the Premier league tough and were relegated along with Ayr United who were Six points behind Eighth placed St Mirren.
Baby faced Davy and wee fat Bastard
The premier League was formed in an attempt to make Scottish football more competitive and loosen the grip of the old firm duopoly.In its first year Rangers were champions[and treble winners]and in the first ever old firm premier league Derby,on the first Saturday of the newly formed Premier League,the biggest crowd in Premier League history turned up at Ibrox to watch-and to sing songs about stuff that happened ages ago in another country. Rangers won Twenty Three and lost Five of their Thirty six matches,finishing Six points ahead of Celtic,who lost Nine matches.Hibs won Thirteen of their Eighteen home games,losing Three and finished Five points behind Celtic and Eleven behind Rangers,for their best ever premier league season.Eleven points was also the difference between Hibs and relegated Dundee,who lost out in the Dogfight to Dundee United,Aberdeen and Ayr united.Ayr finished in Sixth place on Thirty Three points- a point ahead of Aberdeen,United and Dundee who’s inferior goal difference saw them relegated.St Johnstone were the other relegated team after a desperate season which saw them draw One and lose Seventeen of their Eighteen league matches away from home.They won Three matches at home but,over all,lost Twenty Eight of Thirty Six matches. .#Trivia-In two home matches with Celtic,Ayr United scored Five times-unfortunately for them Celtic scored Twelve times in 7-2 and 5-3 victories.Nine goals were also scored when Motherwell beat Dundee 6-3 at Dens Park. The next season saw a reversal of fortunes for the old firm as Celtic lifted the League flag,finishing Eight points ahead of Rangers and also breaking their own premier League scoring record with Seventy Nine goals.Aberdeen and Dundee United who both avoided relegation on goal difference the previous season finished Third and Fourth,respectively and new boys Partick Thistle finished in Fifth place.Kilmarnock,who were promoted along with the Jags, found premier League life much tougher and went straight back down to the first Division.—#Trivia-For the second season in a row Motherwell were involved in a nine goal thriller,losing this time 5-4 away to Killie. PART TWO to follow.
Years after the Jock the nipper murders pumphy’s renowned consulting detective Sherlock Thomson and his brother Boabby were holidaying in the highlands where they encountered who they believed was the infamous Jock.Boabby takes up the story-‘my brother and I had been in Auchtermuckleteuchter for two days when we encountered the decidedly odd little fellow known locally as Short arse.He was around Two feet tall and had had various employment as a Butcher,a merchant seaman,a bouncer in a creche and a bodyguard for Whitney Who’sthumb the smallest woman in the world.We also deduced from his handshake that he was obviously a Weemason.The nipper victims were all horribly mutilated from the knees down and their leggy entrails were arranged in ritualistic fashion which some Nipperologists have linked to the Weemasons.He also had a great knowledge of Pumphy and its surroundings-he knew about the wee Bing and the Lions Heid and the roly poly and he knew the Seven Oaks was shite.We also noticed that on the fingers of his right hand were the letters S,G,S,Y,C.Anyone with a basic knowledge of Pumphy history could tell you that the Initials,S,G,S,Y,C stand for Snarl Grunt Spur Ya Cunt-the rallying cry for the First pumphy claymore volunteers at the battle of Bannockburn.
Ah got the shock of ma life a couple of weeks back when ah walked up to pumphy and noticed that the primary school and Institute hall had been demolished.A Quarter of my pre teen life was spent in that school-Harpo and I climbed in through the roof when we were were about Ten or Eleven and painted the windies of the Headmasters study but had the manners to leave Two wee spy holes so he could look through in the morning.We continued our painting spree on the school walls where we compromised oor anonymity slightly by writing ‘SCUD WAS HERE and HARPO WAS HERE’ in foot high letters.Strangely enough we never got into trouble for that,which was a nice wee change from getting into trouble for everything else- Which ranged from Goodfellas style raids on the Spar warehouse to setting fire to the detergent works.The only trouble we got into was from my mother who berated us for not writing SCUD and Harpo were here.1886-that’s when the school was built,Two years before the infamous Jock the nipper murders in the village.Six women were horribly mutilated from the knees down which led the police to believe they had a maniacal child on the loose.The killer also left a glove with the initials S,G,S,Y.C on each of the fingers.More on this later.
well,here we go after a long absence- its the return of the pumphy based website.The big local news is that pumphy’s very own husband and wife porno stars MONTY FUCK and FANNY SAYER have promised to shag in the centre circle at pumpherston juniors recreation park-if the ‘ston can beat Rutherglen in the Scottish cup 5th round.It’s ’99 per cent certain that ‘The man wi’ two cocks’ Bruce willies and his bird Sigourney Beaver will join in.Sig’s a bit of a girl so bring yer cameras and if she gets pissed,bring yer donkey.