The cancer Diaries – 2.10.15

Today started off with the Twenty One pill salute to Chemotherapy, then a lift to the hospital from Paty to get my CT scan. Originally they were just going to scan my head but it turned out that they had to scan my chest and arms to see what the arteries looked like. I will find out soon enough what the results of the scan reveal. I have to see an eye specialist, too and after that, who knows. Paty had to leave St Jocks early – I’d been telling him on the way up how quick we’d be at the X-Ray department – my appointment was for Twelve o’ clock and I didn’t get out till half one. Luckily, Yorkshires finest, in the shape of my ex B and Q colleague and Leeds Utd fan, big Stuart was there to pick me up. He was wearing a Scotland ’74 world cup fitba’ top, which threw me a bit, then I saw the number on the back- 4 – Scotland and Leeds legend Billy Bremners number. Anyway, Stuart was treating me to my lunch today . He mentioned a place in Linlithgow and I thought he obviously hadn’t heard of ‘stoviegate’, but he decided on Tony Macaroni’s instead. The mussels in the white wine sauce were the business. I had them for a starter and if I could have had them for my main dish and my Dessert, I would’ve. I’ve had ‘Moules’ in Paris, Bordeaux, and Nice and Tony Macaroni’s were as good as any. I was running a bit late for B and Q by then but managed to catch Liz before she left. I explained that Dr Hannah would send my sick line to B and Q and Liz asked if I could attend a meeting tomorrow, which I can. By the time Stuart dropped me off I had missed Jim and Jimmy and it was time to go to matt and Hazels for more dinner – I’ll be turning into an awfy fatso. If I can keep eating like this and stop smoking, I have a good fighting chance to beat this C–t of a thing. It was great seeing the ‘big fella’ today- he’s as clever as a chap with Three heads and designs filtration systems for stuff used in the oil industry – he loves Leeds utd and if he was prime minister, I’d vote for him. Anyway no more chemo for nearly a month – thank F–k. I was getting a bit worn out with jags and injections and constant visits to the hospital – on Monday Davy B and I spent Eight hours in the hospital. He sat in with me when I had to see the heart specialist, Dr Jacobs. The Doctor asked me if I smoked and when I told him that I did he asked me to stop smoking. He also asked me if there was anything that ran in the family and I told him that Davy had done the London and Wellington marathons- Davy laughed and the Doctor showed his skill by outwardly laughing and inwardly thinking, ‘F–k off’. 044 (3)045 (3)287 (2)464 (2)

The Cancer Diaries – 28.9.15

043346 (2)I don’t know how I’m going to manage to stop smoking – that’s a bit like going back in time and telling Hitler to stop being a C–t – or going back farther in time and telling Jesus to start being a C–t. I could say it would be easier to forgive Linlithgow Rose for ‘Stoviegate’ – but I’d be tellin’ fibs – I will definitely stop smoking before ‘The Unforgiven’ are forgiven. For those who might be reading this and have never heard of ‘Stoviegate’- I’ll enlighten you. It’s a tradition in Scottish Junior Fitba’ that after a cup match the home team will lay on the stovies for the visitors – I remember travelling up to Aberdeen with Pumphy Juniors to play Glentannar in the ‘Scottish’ and having Skirly – which is, more or less, stovies wi’ a mask on- but awfy tasty nevertheless. Anyway, a few years back, Linlithgow Rose, as they were known then, in Pumphy, played in a sectional league cup tie at ‘The Theatre of Bings’ as Recreation park is often called and we beat them and they took the hump and didny come back to the Cawburn for their stovies. So, as a result, ‘The Unforgiven’ will remain unforgiven until the Lord Provost, Burgo meister, leader of the council or whatever they’ve got out that way, publicly apologizes for their despicable, and, lets be honest, reprehensible behaviour. The stovie recipe at the Cawburn is guarded by Two SAS men and a scary looking woman from Pumphy who lost a testicle in a fight with a Grizzly Bear, but fought on and won via a Ninth round knockout- that’s how tough she was. All the top chefs have tried to steal it – Rick Stein, That Cunt Ramsay, Snail porridge boy, the Pissed guy, Willie Craddock – the lot. —- Anyway it is now 11.40 and it has been a long day. After signing off with Willie Craddock at half one in the morning I went off to bed and really struggled to sleep. At Five in the morning I thought about getting up and having a cup of tea and a roll up but thought that as I was up at half seven I’d better try to get some sleep. I dozed off and woke just before the alarm at Twenty past Seven and tried to get through to the chemo bit at the hospital just after Eight, but got the answering machine and thought ‘Bugger it – I’ll just go to the hospital, explain my sleeping in for my blood samples on Friday, feel like a fanny, and see what happens. Luckily, I was able to give the blood, have it tested, nip out for a fag, nip back in, and start the chemo. I saw Dr Jacobs, the Heart boy, just after Ten and by the time I got my last injection and left the hospital it was Five o’ Clock. If it was a long day for me it must have been a Baw buster for Davy. He had his journey to Aberdeen by train interrupted by an earlier derailment and ended up getting home after Ten o’ clock and a bus from Dundee. Well done Dave – on the go for Fifteen hours – half spent in the hospital, with me – what a trooper- it was great to have him sitting there chatting away. It’s now after One o’ clock and I’m signing off for the day. Steroid City for the next Four days- Seventeen a day, plus the other tablets – and more Chemo tomorrow at 11.45.

The Cancer Diaries -27.9.15

Optimized-SAM_0096Optimized-SAM_0104Well, tomorrow I go into the Second round of my Chemo therapy. Already, after the first round, the Three Frankenstein lumps on the right side of my neck have all but gone and I have to think that this is good news, although I am still dogged with, at times, quite overwhelming tiredness and fatigue. Being a natural lazy Bastard this isn’t a problem but I hope, during my treatment, that this will lessen. Also, for a naturally lazy C–t, being told by my chemo Doc that I’ll need a six month sick line is like winning the lottery. Yesterday was a great wee day – Chris came through from Auld reekie and Ann T brought a home baked Lemon sponge cake- wee Benji got a wee bit. Chris and I had a bottle of wine each and nearly finished off a bottle of Glayva- then it was off to Witherspoons and the Newyearfield for more Glayva and Cider with some work mates. I did ok considering I only had a couple of chips and some cake to eat all day. So, tomorrow it’s a visit to the heart specialist before the Chemo- hopefully sleeping in on Friday for the doctors for blood samples wont delay the treatment – I’ll have to wait and see. That’s that for today.

The Cancer Diaries -25.9.15

Woke up in a shitey mood – I missed my Doctor appointment to give blood for my chemo on Monday. Didny get up till half One and I’d missed a glorious day by the look of it. If One of those ‘live life to the max and cherish every moment’ shiny faced happy C–ts were to come up to me at this moment in time wi’ that pish I’d stab them in the neck until they were deid and I felt better. I was thinking about my visit to the Western general – thankfully not for treatment [ my heart scan] and how depressing it was. I think the anthem for that Hospital must be, or should be, ‘People get ready’ or ‘Feel like I’m fixin’ to die’. I would O’D if I had to spend my final days there. The fags and joints will eventually kill me, anyway. I’ve got the stop smoking class every week now- what a waste of time. I wish I could just be honest and say look Mrs I like a joint and when I’ve no’ got a joint I like a fag – that’s how it’s ‘aye been’ and , unfortunately, non Hodgkins Lymphoma or not, that’s probably how it always will be- whether I die before Christmas or live till I’m that old I don’t know if I’ve shit my self. Chris is coming through tomorrow and later on there is a wee night out for my work colleagues which I’d like to go to. Anyway that’s me till next time.

The cancer diaries- my week at Linda and Nicks

What a fantastic, wonderful, carefree week I’ve just spent in Hawick with Linda and Nick. If I’ve no’ put on weight there’s something seriously wrong. I’ve never eaten and drank as much for a long, long time and I believe that, after Six Months of staying at Linda’s to recuperate and rest, my cancer would be cured but I’d be a fat alcoholic C–t. It was a really chilled oot great few days- meeting Nicks cousin and Linda’s friends and neighbours, and last but not least, Andrew and Jo. I was awfy tired, though-I’ve never felt as tired in all my life. It was great, though, just chilling oot with a Glayva and testing Linda’s knowledge of 60’s pop tunes and having nice wine and nice food. I weighed myself before coming back up the road and was disappointed to be Nine and a half stone. I was plagued all week with an awfy C–t of a urinary infection of some sort, so Linda thinks. I don’t know what to think but I do know that it’s agony pissin’ a tea spoonful worth. Hamo came down from Livi with big Stevie to take me back up the road and he drove up the Peebles way via Selkirk – it was a glorious day on Friday and the Tweed valley is beautiful – a day and journey the opening theme to ‘Steel Magnolias’ could’ve been written for. I’ve been writing this for, I don’t know – Twenty minutes maybe and I now have to go to the toilet for the Fourth time.  Anyway I arrived back to a Fistful of letters from the hospital – next week I’m at the western Generals Nuclear medicine dept for a scan thing and I’m at St Jocks for a stop smoking thing. The following week I’ve to see a heart specialist before I start my chemo scuddy and the day after the chemo I’ve got a CT scan of my head- happy days.

THE CANCER DIARIES – 10,9,15

Well, my last day of ‘Schemey Therapy’ until the end of the month and a good day all in all.  Started off with Tracey D coming round for a cup of Tea before giving me a lift round to the Hospital. She brought me round a great wee bag of ‘Cancer shopping’- scones, Jam, Chocolate biscuits and a Scotsman- in return for which she will get ‘Cancer parking’ the next time she very kindly offers to give me a lift to St Jocks. Tracey sat in chatting while I was getting the Chemo and we had a laugh in the wiggy waity room when I pointed out the Bon Jovi wig. I was told, however, that the last minute change to my Chemo means that as well as having non Hodgkins Lymphona   I am also getting ‘non Baldy Chemo’ – which is nice. So, a huge thanks to Tracey for kicking off a great wee day. The Steroids are definitely helping – as I write this I am over half way through doing Five Hundred One arm press ups – that’ll be F ing right- but I do seem to have a wee bit more get up and go and energy and feel good about this despite the fact that I am quite ill. It was another beautiful day today- so glorious for September and One that certainly made me appreciate how great it is to be alive – a notion that I’ve been very guilty of ignoring in the past. I suppose it takes something like Cancer to make you think.

THE CANCER DIARIES- Pt 2

Well, I started my ‘Schemey Therapy’ today- but not the treatment I was expecting. My heart scan thing found some problem which the chemo might not have been too good for. So, now, instead of a one day visit to St Jocks I have to go Three days in a row, once a month, until Christmas eve – or possibly beyond. No work for me for a few months- what a pisser that is. The actual treatment is quite straightforward – stuff fed into a vein for a couple of hours – then different stuff fed into the same vein. Like a right fanny I offered my left hand for the drip thing and Five minutes later I was thinking ‘ bang goes the Scotsman crossword and sudoku’ on account of me being left handed. Still, I could read the paper – about how Scotland put up a good show against Germany at the Fitba’. There is no shame in losing by a goal at home to the world champions – conceding an equaliser against Gibraltar and losing to Georgia said more about Scotland than drawing in Poland and taking Four points out of Six against Ireland – the Two countries who, along with Germans, are above us in the group. We still have a Dugs chance of the play offs, but we are talking about Scotland.    Anyway, along with the paper I had a copy of VIZ but couldny read Biffa Bacon because I didny have my specs. The wee MP3 player Davy B got me saved the day, though, as a wee listen to Nolwenn Leroy and the Rolling Stone magazines best songs of 1968, 69, 70,and 71 made for a great listen . It’s quite mind boggling, really, all those great songs from the mid to late Sixties through to the early Seventies. The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Motown, flower power, Simon and Garfunkel, Tom Jones, Petula Clark, The Small Faces, Led Zeppelin, Santana- and the hundreds I’ve not mentioned and should have – Bacharach and David.- I have looked for Fleetwood Lymphs classic album ‘Tumours’ – but I think I’ve got that. Anyway,  more Schemey Therapy tomorrow but not before I have to take the equivalent of Lance Armstrongs Tour De France winning stash of steroids – Seventeen and Three different kinds of other tablets.

THE CANCER DIARIES – Friday, sept 5th

Well, I got the news I was expecting on Wednesday- F–kin’ Cancer -no’ even Lung Cancer, in which case I would’ve thought ‘aye, nae shock there’ – but, naw -I’ve got one that I didn’t see coming. The last Two weeks have been shite- I feel as if I’ve never been away from the Hospital- bits of tissue cut out of me, bone marrow painfully extracted, blood samples, low blood pressure, heart scans. I’m a bit sick of it all – and all that before the real fun begins at mid day on Tuesday with the Chemo F–kin’ therapy. I thought about asking the Doctor how long I’d have without the Chemo. I was thinking that if he said a couple of years I’d have taken that- The European championship in France next year wi’ Davy – Thirty Two years after we were in France for the 1984 tournament – what a nice way to go full circle. They seem to think its important that I begin the treatment as soon as possible- without it I wouldn’t have long.  I don’t know if it’s really sunk in yet- I expect reality will hit home big time on Tuesday. A good and long time friend has told me ‘soup, soup and more soup with nice healthy bread – so, it’s onwards and soupwards for me.

Adieu L’Escure and the Magpies

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES The magpies, which had been a great source of entertainment at the beginning of the Month, building their nest- making sure to vary their route to the nest every time- and cackling away at my window box getting the food I’d left them, seem to have abandoned their home. It’s a blustery day and near the top of the tall tree just outside my window I can see the nest as the top branches are being pushed and pulled by the wind – but there are no Magpies to be seen. Before I left for Bordeaux I did see a crow near the nest and I reckon he’s chased them off. A farewell of a different kind last Saturday in Bordeaux as the fans of Girondins de Bordeaux FC said ‘Adieu L’Escure’ and watched their team play and win their last match in the stadium. To say I was lucky enough to be there would be a bit of an understatement. Six of us made up the GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE – Hamo, who had been the Agent provocateur of the trip back in January, Stevie and I made up the old guard, veterans who’s third time together in the stadium this would be- we were there in 98 for the Scotland Norway world cup match and again in 2010 for the Bordeaux v Lorient league match. Hamo’s son Andrew and his pal Allan made five and last but not least was Davy Broon, my brother who Thirty years previously had been in the stadium along with me to see Marius Tresor play his farewell match for the club. Hamo pulled off the equivalent of a Giresse hat trick in a European cup final when he got T shirt felly to make the GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE T shirts. If the six of us got a Euro for every time we were asked to have a photo taken we’d still be in Bordeaux now – it was amazing. Between us all we got interviewed by newspapers, radio, made it on TV and on to the official Bordeaux FC website. The Ultra marines- the hard core fans- had organized a farewell party in the Place de la Republique and the old legends were up on stage- Marius Tresor, Allan Giresse and Patrick Battiston who all played in the match that Davy and I watched almost Thirty years ago. We just got bombarded with photo requests until the square was so full you could hardly move. After the farewell speeches and a sing song it was ‘le marche’ to the stadium. Between six and Eight Thousand fans started on the march and in no time there were bottle necks and tail backs – but everyone was in party mode and never let it become a problem. I was struggling a wee bit by now-my leg was so painful and I began to get a bit claustrophobic feeling like a sardine in a tin when we came to a building with wide steps. We managed to break free of the crowd and climbed the dozen or so steps to the top and then Davy unravelled the big YES flag -YES as in ram yer Britain up yer arse and not the 1970’s rock band. The Six GIRONDINS D’ECOSSE then stood in a line and clapped the Bordeaux fans as they marched by in their Hundreds and they reciprocated with chants of Scotland and Ecosse and they were applauding us and taking pictures and it was all quite surreal. We arrived at a bar near the stadium with no tickets and within no time Davy, like James Garner the scrounger in the great escape came back with Four – ya beauty. The atmosphere inside the stadium was fantastic. Hamo and I were in amongst the ‘ultra marines’ who rolled out the gigantic flag that covers almost everyone behind the goals – it’s quite weird being under a flag with Thousands of other people- especially when half of them seem to be smoking the Bob Hope. Davy was behind the other goals which like the rest of the stadium was a sea of flags and scarves and the carnival atmosphere continued for the ninety minutes of the match. What a day.

Spartacus and the fatal decision

Pumpherston Fitba writer Huge Mucklefanny has uncovered evidence that proves Spartacus lost the battle of Brindisium to Laurence Olivier on account of a fatal tactical decision. Up until then Spartacus and his stunt double, Kirk Douglas-who’s no’ deid yet- had been winning battle after battle sticking to a Four Two Four formation and using his tricky wingers to terrorise the flanks. However, against Olivier he changed to a Four Four Two and this confused his army and rendered his tricky wingers ineffective and so the slave revolt led by Spartacus was crushed. It was a sad day but at least the lucky Bastard got to shag Jean Simmons.