The Dusseldorf Diaries

So, that’s that, we’ve qualified and the sons of Bobby Thomson( well, the Great and Great Great Grandsons of oor Grannies Grandfaither( Fuck tryin’ tae remember aw that when ah’m pissed in Dusseldorf) are aw gaun tae Deutschland next year for the Euro’s. It was a bit anti climactic, wi’ Scotland no’ bein’ involved in what turned out tae be oor decider wi’ Norway and Spain. Never before have Scotland qualified for a major tournament wi’ Two matches tae spare( ah think) and those games are a great opporchancity tae play oor best team when the pressure’s off. We’ve had Three doin’s off England, France and Spain, but hey ho, who widny?.- They’ll be the big favourites tae win the thing next year and maybe Belgium, if de Bruuyne is fit. Ah’m hopin’ for a group we might have a chance of qualifyin’ fae- a knockout match or Two wid be Cosmic. We’ve already got the Travel and accommodation sorted oot in Dusseldorf for a week. Ah’d fancied gaun by Train but we’re gettin’ the Ferry tae Amsterdam and the Cancer Bus tae Deutschland which is fine by me. Mind you, these maniacs oot in the Middle East might put a stop tae the planet, never mind the Fitba’ – honestly, what a Fuckin’ nightmare, tied up in a catastrophe and sealed up in a cave- a big smelly Shitey cave. This is where religion started- it might’ve started wi’ big Ug, the Neanderthal, who was revered for killin’ a Sabre Toothed Tiger wi’ a Wooly Mammoth Thigh bone- it might’ve started wi’ wee Lucy’s (the African footprint) Grandfaither who was an Ape when he fell asleep One night and an early Hominid when he woke up in the mornin'( that wid’ve got his mates talkin’)- ah don’t know. Ah do know that the big Three that seem tae affect everybody the world over, Christianityism, Islamism and Richard and Judaism aw started oot that way- and ah’ve got a theory as tae why that came tae be. Imagine the scene over Three Thousand years ago in a desert Oasis- Three men sittin’ under a Date Palm and aw they’ve done aw day is watch Camels go by because there isny much else tae dae. So they aw come up wi’ outlandish nonsense about religions and followers, for a laugh, tae see who could oot pish the other Two- eat Fish on a Friday, wipe yer erse wi’ yer right( or left) hand, cut yer new borns foreskin off, see angels and miracles and ressurections- it’s ripe for a Piss take. Any sane, sober educated person, who devoutly follows a religion gie’s up the right tae say that they’re sane, sober and educated. That’s the scary thing aboot it, the emphasis and the voice and the place it has on the Planet is frightenin’. So, that’s me for the night. Ah got up at Eleven o’clock at night- ah’ve turned night in tae day. Wee Puskas went mad for Cat treats but ah didn’t have any so the wee Cunt ended up attackin’ ma hand. It’s no’ gettin’ milk again if that’s how it behaves. It only got milk because the greedy wee Bastard’s eaten it’s ain weight in Cat treats ooer the last fortnight. Ah Dinny ken how many it should or shouldn’y eat – it does that nuzzly/ heid butt thing that Cats dae when they want somethin’ but it’ll get brain damage if it carries on the way it was carryin’ on earlier. More tomorrow, Middle East permittin’.

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