Tales fae number Six- Jekyll and hide

Ah’ve gone on aboot auld Bunty fae time tae time and how she had that Jekyll and Hyde thing, which we’ve aw got a bit of, but that hers was tae an extreme that wee Laddies and slightly aulder Lassies, or anybody else for that matter, should ever have tae live through. Ah have very few memories of Linda when ah was awfy young but ah canny remember Chris no’ bein’ there. Davy, like Roman roads, it goes withoot sayin’, was ma closest siblin’ and we ran aboot when we were at primary School, playin’ Fitba’ wi John and Jimmy Milne and Ally Emms and the Wids, Kenny and Iany or Eeny or Eenie. Ah wid’ve saved time if ah’d just said Ian, but since ah was Five or Six, ah’ve just known Eenie or Ianey or Eeny Wood and Kenny and Lorna as the Widses Ah remember when ah’d be aboot that age, the Two brothers, I and K[ Fuck gaun through aw that again] wid be Eight and Eleven and they taught me how tae chip the Ba’ and how tae heider the Ba’. Ah grew up tae be Twice as guid as I and K pit the gither- so, whatever gift they had, they lost it when they passed it on tae me -that was oot on oor Green Mile when we were wee- ‘The Humple’. Ah remember Paty, ma cousin, tellin me that when he and Kenny W[ why did ah no’ think of that before?] played in the same ‘Seven Oaks’ Pub team Kenny used tae say about certain  folk ‘ Och, he’s a Scud Broon player – pit him on that Humple or the top Park and he’s like Pele or Maradonna, pit him on a Fitba’ pitch wi a Ref and offside and he’s mare like Madonna- and she canny sing and she’s Shite at Fitba’. Ah strayed off ma original point- which ah’ll go back tae in a minute- canny mention Harrysmuir’s Green Mile withoot Murph. Elaine, who was and always will be, for me anyway, Murph.  If she said tae me ‘Scud’, which tae this day, she still calls me, dinny call me Murph again or ah’ll knock Fuck oot ye’, ah obviously wid stop callin’ her Murph and ah’d call her anything she wanted me tae call her. Ah remember once oot on the Humple, we’d be Thirteen or Fourteen and Murph and Angela Macauley, who’s faither, Nick used tae sit at his livin’ room windie in the Summer and watch us aw playin Fitba’- ah bet Mr Mcauley never thought ah was a ‘Scud Broon’ player, he probably thought ah wis Pele after alot of ma performances oot on the Harrysmuir North Maracana- are you listenin’ Kenny W- thank Fuck it was Kenny and no’ his brother who said that – anyway, oot on the Humple one time when we were aboot Thirteen or Fourteen efter aboot Ten minutes of tryin’, they gave up tryin’ tae  get the Ba’ off me because it was a futile exercise – ah knew it, Murph knew it, and Angela knew it because she wasny as guid at the Fitba’ as Murph. There ah wis Thirteen or Fourteen, playin’ Fitba[ they were’ny, because they couldny get the Ba’ off me] ootside ma Hoose wi  Two of the Pumphy Babes. No’ that they wid’ve but if, at that age, they’d asked me tae dae anything else withoot the Ba’ ah wid’ve ran intae the Hoose greetin’ tae ma faither tellin’ him that aulder lassies were pickin’ on me. Aye, so, ah was talkin’ aboot Davy and I growin’ up and runnin’ aboot the gither[ the gither as one word just looks Shite] throughout Primary School. Davy gaun tae High School was, after ma Granny died in 1972, probably a wee turnin’ point. Up until ah was Ten and Davy was Twelve, we shared everything, we were in the same room, we shared a bath up till we were aboot Nine and Eleven, or until we got tae the stage where ah just got that scared and Jealous of his Cock that ah refused tae share a bath wi’ him and it. Bein’ near other naked men didny appeal tae me at aw and never has- bein’ next tae naked Women, that’s a totally different ba’ game[ no’ Ba’s involved, for a start, which has always been important tae me, and nae Todgers- especially if it was anythin’ like Davy’s – didny matter what they looked like- as long as they didny have a Cock and Baws and they wanted a shag ah wisny gaunny say naw. It’s been that long since ah’ve seen a Fanny[ ah see Alan Shearer on match of the day, but that doesny really dae alot for me] ah wid probably go and look for ma faither tae have a greet at if ah did.  Aye, Davy gaun tae the High School was a wee change. Ah remember in 1973, ah think, Davy and I gettin’ a Fitba Diary/ Callander each at Christmas and it had aw the League Tables and European and Scottish Cup matches fae the previous season[1972/73 and ah loved aw that- statistics and who played who and where and why. Davy, ah remember, writin’ on the First day in his Diary, ‘Had New years day kick aboot wi’ Colin and we fell oot’. On the second day he put in it ‘Had kick aboot wi’  Colin, John and jimmy'[ Milne] ye canny deny it was a rivetin’ read. Anyway ah think that was up there among the biggest faw oots we ever had. Ye need alot of patience tae be ma brother or sister- Chris has the most and Linda has the least. Davy has had alot tae put up wi stress wise, when it comes tae me and ah’ll never live long enough tae be able tae thank him, or Chris and Linda, for what they’ve done for me. This bit was meant tae be aboot auld Bunty and her Jekyll and Hyde nature, sober and drunk nature wid be more fittin’. Next time for that- it’s nearly Eight am and ah started typin’ this at Three am- that’s a Thousand words in nearly Five oors. That means ah’m a Scud Broon typist.

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One Response to Tales fae number Six- Jekyll and hide

  1. Ped and Dick Bastard. says:

    Sir, we have contacted you in the past under the auspices of S.T.A.S. This is not the case here. My brother and I contact you today as ( sole ) members of the Society to Halt the Abuse of Tangents ; SHAT. Yes we are aware of the unfortunate nature of this acronym. Where to begin ? In your most recent post, the use, overuse and downright abuse of tangents plumbed new depths. Nevertheless, SHAT is an inclusive organisation and we feel you could be saved from further tangental depravity by joining us. At this point we note you have still not enrolled in S.T.A.S. We assume the (very reasonable) fee is in the post. SHAT enrolment is a more rigorous affair. you will be required to attend a closed meeting of all members ( both of us ) where you must be proposed by a sitting member. If this motion is passed, consider yourself a member of SHAT. We consider pride of ownership in our society of paramount importance. That is to say you would now be joint owner of our society. Meaning you could proudly say, “I have SHAT.” We look forward to you becoming a sitting member.
    Ped and Dick Bastard.

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