New Year same auld Fuck ups

Well, that’s the 2021 show over and done wi’ and it was a year of jags and Boosters and this fuckin’ COVID wearin’ everybody doon. Ah got ma wee unexpected wind fall and that was the highlight ah suppose. Pissed a Thousand Quid up against the wa’ in Grass and Whisky, which, in hindsight ah could’ve done without daein’- but, hey ho, Fuck it. Ma holiday tae Bordeaux wi’ the sons of Boabby Thomson is paid for and possibly a nice wee return tae Sorrento next year- so ah didny blaw the lot. Ah don’t know what ah’m expectin’ this year. Death, ah suppose, if this Cough persists in bein’ persistent- ah got away wi’ it for the last Six years, so by the law of averages ah’ll be deid soon. Ah get alot of tinglin’ in ma arms and feet which can be a bit unnervin’ at times. On ma hands and toes, just where the skin ends and the nail begins, it gets awfy dry and nippy and ah get a bit breathless, which really unsetles me. The breathlessness reminds me of the Heart Attack and it can bring a bit of panic on. Scotland are in guide shape Fitba’ wise. Ah was at the Israel qualifier at Hampden and that was amazin’- a brilliant atmosphere- a massive highlight of ma year. As was flittin’ fae Fort Apache and that wee androgynous Cunt of a neighbour- it’s so good bein’ away fae aw that Shite. Hope the wee Cunt dies in a freak Yachtin’ accident. Ah drank alot of Whisky over the year, maybe Forty bottles, which is too much by anybody’s standards. As Chrissie B said, ah can maybe afford One addiction but no’ Two- so that’s a thing ah can make a dent in cuttin’ doon. The fags and joints are a different Ba’ game, though. Ah love gettin’ stoned and that’s that.

In the beginnin’.

In the beginnin’ there were Three Middle Eastern Gentlemen( or Ladies) sittin’ in the shade because that and countin’ Camels was aw they had tae occupy their minds. One day it came tae pass that it was too hot even for the Camels so the Three shady Gentlemen( or Ladies) came up wi’ the idea of makin’ up the biggest lot of Camel dung they could think of that awfy gullible people wid believe. The first One, who we’ll call Christy, came up wi’ a supreme omnipresent spirit who made the world in under a week and who in a later chapters of his story had a son on Earth who died and came back tae life and went up tae visit his father and who will come back tae save everybody. The second One we’ll call Bernie and he had a similar beginnin’ tae his story-  they end up havin’ an awfy time and they’ve no’ had a Messiah yet. The Third( Issy) is the new kid on the block and the pish in his book is as nonsensical as the other Two.

State of the Nation address.

Got ma eyes looked at today- everything seems tae be fine but the Doc said if ah get any floaters ah’ve tae phone right away. Still got this Cunt of a cough, which has lasted, noo, for quite a time. Ah wish ah could be more upbeat at the moment. Ah’m sleepin’ alot these days- ah get up, take ma tablets, have a wee joint and a wee Whisky and ah’m ready for a lie doon. Then, ah have a lie doon for a few hours, get up, take ma tablets, have a wee joint and a Whisky then go for a lie doon. Ah’m turnin’ intae a split personality- jovial and ootgoin’ oot with the flat but a miserable Git inside. Aw this Shite will probably overwhelm me One day. Ah forgot tae mention that ah was at the Scotland Israel qualifier in October- how the Fuck could ah forget that. What an atmosphere, what a game- beatin’ Denmark a month later was epic and One of the great Scottish performances. Anyway, back tae this year and January, February, March, April and May were uneventful. June, ah remember because ah thought the Bank had made an awfy error and given me a not inconsiderable amount of money. Ah’d had a Pound in ma account and Chris  transferred Fifty Quid tae it. Ah nipped off tae the Cash line tae get the Fifty Quid and looked at the account balance- Christ and Jesus were uttered at that moment( but not necessarily in that order). Ah nipped intae the Bank tae tell them there was some mistake in ma account and the nice wee lady told me it had been paid in.  Ah pissed a fair amount of it up against the wa by way of Marijuana and Whisky but a got masel a Nice Camera, a Tablet and the holiday in Bordooks is all paid for. Still got enough tae get another holiday and a prostitute for the night( in case ah get terminally ill- no way ah’m departin the Planet without gettin a last shag. Anyway, ah’ve no eaten today and it’s nearly Midnight- the apostrophes seem tae have vanished.

 

2021 State of the Nation address.

Well, that’s nearly that for the year and as ah’ve been a bit sparse wi’ ma contributions tae the site ah’ve decided tae put a wee shift in.                        Health wise it’s been no’ too bad- apart fae the pain and discomfort when ah walk which, hopefully, will get sorted when ah get the Steint thing put in. It can be a bit soul destroyin’ at times and the Shite circulation is the main source of my visits fae the Black Dug. This last month has been a particular Cunt Black Dug wise. Ah think ah’ve got a thing- like that Bi Polar thing. Ah couldny present the Scud Broon who never goes oot and lives in his Jammies tae people ah meet in the street. Folk wid think ah was a miserable Cunt. In company ah’m really upbeat and ootgoin’ – as soon as the door shuts on the World ah turn intae an awfy morose C–t. No’ aw the time, mind you, – ah love a laugh and if ah feel ah’m descendin’ intae the black hole, a dose of Benny Hill or the life of Brian will drag me up laughin’. Another great comfort blanket for me is watchin’ the 1970 Brazil team on the You Tube. Clodoaldo said ‘We had Five Aces- Pele, Tostao, Gerson, Rivelinho and Jairzinho- a pack of cards only has Four’. The Fourth goal for Brazil is, for me, and almost everyone else( ah say almost because there will be a contrarian Cunt oot there who’ll disagree- there’s always One) the greatest goal ever scored in any final, let alone, the World Cup final. There are nae words for that goal- just facial expressions ranging fae awe tae wonder tae a wee sadness that we’ll never see Fitba’ like that again. Ah’ve waited Fifty years and ah’ve never seen anything like it since.  Ah’m up in the mornin’ for the Opthalmologist appointment so ah’ll sign off and write more tomorrow.

Scotland beatin’ Denmark at Hampden was brilliant- the best ah’ve ever seen them play and a notch above beatin’ European Champions, Czechoslovakia, in 1977 and Euro 84 runners up, Spain, not long after they’d lost to the France of Platini, Tigana and Giresse. Hibs beatin’ Rangers at Hampden was great. Other than that the last month has been a bit Shite.

Shitsville

Fuck sake, what a week that was. Monday(25th) was the Sixth anniversary of ma near fatal Heart Attack, so a celebrated wi’ big Callum, a bottle of Old Pulteney and half a bottle of Tamnavulin. Ah remember spillin’ half a bag of Sugar and half a jar of Coffee on the floor, so it was probably a good night. Ah’ve been sent tae Coventry wi’ Linda and Andrew for a couple of Pus book posts ah put up. Ma post aboot the Tory MP gettin’ stabbed was way over the top and ah regret puttin’ it up on Facebook. It was Ned-ish and out of order and ah’m sorry ah posted it. It caused a wee stir among ma family, tae say the least, and ah wish ah’d watched Camilla Creampie on the Tablet instead. Ah stand by ma questioning of Walter Smith’s legendary status, though. Anyway, it’s been a Shitey week and ah’ve slept through most of it- the Vietnam War documentary was great and ah thoroughly enjoyed it. Ah missed the episode that covered the Mai Lai massacre, so ah watched a You Tube thing aboot it. There was another massacre on the same day where almost a Hundred innocents were slaughtered- and that was aboot Two miles fae Mai Lai. Ah was thinkin’ aboot Tories and royalty and aw that landed Gentry- a Thoosand years the chinless inbred Cunt’s have controlled anything that’s controllable. Parliament, Law, employment, everything, and ye still get those Tits who’ll wave their wee Union Jacks and tell ye that we need the House of Lords- Fuck off. The same people who go on aboot Winston Churchill and how he won the war. The Americans and Russians won the war- we were gettin’ shat on untill they came on tae the scene- if they hadny, we’d aw be Goose-stepping up tae the Sausage shop whistlin’ Lilly effin’ Marlene. Time for somethin’ tae eat- ah’ll get back tae bein’ a crabbit Cunt.

The big Yelly Van.

Ah had a great day today wi’ the Broons- a full hoose- it’s no often the Four of us get together so it was brilliant. Nick and big Di were here, too, and we aw had a great laugh. It got me thinkin’, when they’d headed back doon tae Hawick, aboot growin’ up in Pumphy in the late Sixties and early Seventies. There seemed tae be a weird amount of Brothers and Sisters who still lived together into their Sixties- there were Five families in Harrysmuir North, alone. Maybe Harrysmuir North was seen as ‘possible incest St’- ah don’t know. In those Five families there were Fifteen Brothers and Sisters and One mother who was a cantankerous auld Cunt who tried tae spoil oor fun at every chance she got. Anyway, the big Yelly Dafty Bus wid come in tae Pumphy Once a week tae take the Lunatics off the grass and away tae the special school at Oakbank( ah think) a couple of miles away. They should’ve spent Three or Four Hours at the special school but the Bus picked so many people up at Pumphy that ah think they got Twenty minutes playin’ wi’ Crayons and swappin’ bogies. When the Bus first arrived in Pumphy there was the driver and Popeye the Sailor man behind him, wavin’ at everythin’ and awthing- by the time the Bus left Pumphy it looked like One of those over crowded trains in India- folk hangin’ fae the roof , on the wing mirrors, the bumpers- mental.

Odds and ends.

That’s me quite settled in tae the new flat, noo. Ah’m relatively content and tryin’ tae leave behind some of ma bad habits at Forth Drive, unfortunately buryin’ ma heid under the sand is a bad habit, like the fags, that ah canny shake off. Ah’m coughin’ like Fuck 70% of the time ah’m smokin’ a joint- fuckin’ mental, and logic just flies oot the windie. Anyway, ah’ve felt as if a melancholy is creepin’ in- no’ quite the Black Dug, but a worn oot deflated feelin’ that ah’m strugglin’ wi’ at the moment.. Ah’ve got that that auld place tae deal wi’- ah might just send the keys back tae them by post. Ah just want tae wash ma hands of it. Ah’ve got a Cunt of  cauld as well, and that’s just makin’ things worse. Ah was at the Scotland v Israel World Cup qualifier- that was great but ah think it’s where ah picked up ma cauld. It was worth it, though,- the atmosphere was brilliant. That Israel are a shower of cheatin’ Cunts and ah’m no’ surprised that Tutankhamen’s uncle( or whoever the Fuck it was) told them tae go forth and multiply. Ah watched an awfy disturbing thing on the Telly aboot German atrocities in Ukraine durin’ WW2. hearin’ soldiers tryin’ tae justify shootin’ Two Million Mother’s and their kids was quite chillin’ – the matter of factness was quite scary.

This has been a Shit week fae day One on Sunday up to and includin’ noo. These legs are gettin’ tae me. Ah hate goin’ oot because they get really painful and even a wee walk is a Cunt. Ah get up, have a double dose of the Amatryptilene and the Prozac, wash it doon wi’ a Whisky Coffee and usually go back tae ma bed. Ah hate the Winter and ah don’t know if ah’ve got the will power tae stick it oot. Because ah get a wee overlap of Tablets fae Boots ah’m able,every Two months, tae put a wee stash away just in case. Ah’m off tae Hampden tomorrow for the Scotland Israel game and am lookin’ forward tae it. A wee win wid put us in  guid place tae make the play offs. We get a run through and back which is great because it’s aw the effin aboot before ye get tae the game and aw the effin’ aboot after it’s finished that’s a pain in the erse.. Anyway, ah canny be bothered typin’ and ah’ off for a soak in the bath. More tomorrow.

 

Polis

A few months back at Fort Apache, the Drive, when the wee Cunt next door was attractin’ the Polis every Five minutes, ah got a knock on ma door One night after a particularly noisy evenin’. Ah opened the door and the Polis were there- Three of them. The guy who knocked ma door was obviously a man on a mission who wisny goin’ home without arrestin’ people. Ah found his manner somewhat confrontational, for a member of the Gestapo, but, lookin’ at him, ah could see where aw this quiet rage was comin’ fae. He was a Cunt who obviously got bullied when he was at School. He was aboot ma height and he had what must’ve been the World’s strongest prescription glasses ah’ve ever seen- the Two lenses were full of eye- if ah’d got a shot of them ah wid’ve probably seen water on Mars. It got me thinkin’ aboot the Polis and what percentage of them got bullied when they were young and was this was their way of gettin’ back at the bullies. Ah always thought that the entry exam tae the Polis was made up of just Two questions- Are ye a Bawbag wi’ nae mates ?. If ye answered yes tae them both ye were in. Ah always thought that  Karate folk are a bit like the Polis- Ninety Five per cent Bawbags wi’ the odd good guy thrown in. Most of the Karate folk ah’ve met or known were awfy Bawbags- aw obsessed wi’ their Martial Art and the smug knowledge that they can knock Fuck oot ye, Cunt’s.    Anyway, ah was at Kelty on Saturday passed watchin’ the Kelty Hearts play Annan Athletic in the Scottish League Two top of the table clash. Kelty won 2-1 in front of a great wee crowd. Ah felt it comin’ back home after the game. Ah got dropped off at the shop – it’s no’ far fae ma flat and ah thought ah’d get ma shoppin’ and stroll doon leisurely tae Castle Scud. By Fuck, was ah wrong. Ah was totally effed when ah got the few Hundred yards back tae the flat. Ah had tae stop Four or Five times. It despairs me, bein’ almost crippled wi’ this Shite circulation but it’s of ma own ma makin’ Ah have tae give up smokin’ but ah just dinny think ah’ve got the will power- ah love bein’ stoned, so the edible route seems tae be the best option. Anyway, more tomorrow or later.