The Maternity Ward in Bangour General Hospital is where ma story began after poppin’ oot in tae the world. In the next bed to ma mum, Bunty, was Mrs Wilson[ Trudy] with her new edition to the Family, Jim, who remains to this day, one of ma best pals, even though he slags Hibs off on the Pusbook at every opportunity. In the intervenin’ Fifty Seven years, Jim has gone on to make something of his life, marryin’ his lovely Marion,havin’ kids and Grand kids and,ultimately settin’ this Website up for me because he’s awfy guid at this sort of thing. As for me, ah discovered Marijuana at Fifteen and ah’ve , unfortunately, never really had the time or inclination to discover anything else since then. Anyway, in the beginnin’. Ah think it was tough goin’ when ah was aboot Three or Four- Chris and Linda were Six and Eight and a half years aulder than me, so they knew better. Davy, Two years aulder than me, and I, were too young to comprehend what was goin’ on, but we had a Grand stand seat at the front when the Battle of the Somme began not long after. Ah remember as a wee boy the odd wee thing that belonged to Andrew scattered around the hoose, a shoe or a Schoolbook or a childrens book. Davy and I never saw Andrew, he was killed in a tragic childhood accident in the May of 1959, but he was never far away, be it in conversation or the few mementoes that survived him. Ah played at the same spot where he was killed and probably walked past one of the wagons the accident happened on. Ah wid go walkin’ wi’ ma uncle Allan and sometimes we’d pass the place where it happened and he wid always say ‘That’s where yer brother was killed’ and we’d be silent as we walked past and he wid sometimes get the hanky oot and blaw his nose, knowin full well that ah knew he was just havin’ a wee ‘Andrew moment’. Bunty hated Davy and I playin’ by the Bings and wid always say that she couldn’t have coped wi’ another tragedy. Two in a week for any parent is more than enough for a lifetime and that’s what Bunty and Scud had to cope wi’ in what must’ve been a shatterin and devastatin’ week in late April, early May of that year. Andrew was killed on the Saturday, Five days after Bunty had given birth to a stillborn child. so, as ye can imagine it widny’ve been a bundle of laughs in the hoose that week. So, aw that was just a part of the ingredients that were to end up in the wild soup that was no.6 Harrysmuir North.
The story of Fitba’ in pumphy begins with the great Paraffinikos team of the 1880’s.They were the Queens Park of West Lothian,spreading the beautiful game to out of the way places like Fawhoo and Threemiletoun-the spark that lit the flame. In 1885 they won the fore runner of the Champions league when they beat the Ivan the terrible Biscuit factory 3-1 in the final of the European Industrial cup.As a reward for winning the Trophy the team were taken on holiday to Greece.Some of the curious locals turned up to watch the men from Pumphy play this strange game and in time formed their own team calling it Panathinaikos,in homage to the great Paraffinikos. With the expansion of shale mining in Pumphy there was room for another Fitba’ team and,so,in 1896,the year that ‘Auld Scud’ was born,so too were the famous Bingfica.Originally called Bingfecal on account of their fans throwing shite at the opposition from the top of the Bing,they changed the name when they were voted into the West Lothian Shale mining League.By the turn of the century they were recognised as the best team in Britain.In 1902 they emulated the great Paraffinikos by winning the European Industrial cup,beating the Vladivostok Fish Factory 2-0 in the final.As a reward for winning the Trophy the team were taken to Lisbon on holiday.Once again curious locals turned up to watch them play Fitba and in time formed their own team,and in homage to the Pumphy legends. Part Two to follow soon.
I watched the match last night and it was heartbreaking stuff.The first thing that struck me was the state of the Serbian pitch -ah thought it was a disgrace to International Fitba’.We’ve got Hampden which is probably one of the most famous grounds in the world and its a glorious and wonderful place to be when its full, but ah canny help thinking that Hampden and Scotland is like having a beautiful dinner service with no food to go with it .Ah’m no’ keen on slaggin’ Scotland off but that was Shite. We canny string one pass together,let alone Two and there’s nae imagination,nae skill`F-All. What ah’d like to know is,what are Serbia doing that we’re no’ doin’ -Why are Montenegro,croatia,Wherethefucksthatistan and some country that’s just Three days auld wi’ a population of seven better than us. If we continue like this,in a generation,we’ll be playing oor world cup qualifiers at Recreation Park Pumpherston.Which,when ye think aboot it,isny a bad thing-they do a guid warm pie.Ah couldny say if the pies are meant to be hot-but who cares,they’re guid. There has to be a massive overhaul of scottish football from school level all the way up.The Dutch did it in the 60’s after they embarrassingly lost to Luxembourg in a European championship qualifier.Around Ten years later,the first ‘Golden generation’ of of Dutch footballers had reached a world cup final and played in,and won,Four successive European cup finals.Despite a wee blip in the mid Eighties The Netherlands have consistently produced ‘Golden generations’ and ah sometimes think to myself why don’t we look closely at how they do it.
Years after the Jock the nipper murders pumphy’s renowned consulting detective Sherlock Thomson and his brother Boabby were holidaying in the highlands where they encountered who they believed was the infamous Jock.Boabby takes up the story-‘my brother and I had been in Auchtermuckleteuchter for two days when we encountered the decidedly odd little fellow known locally as Short arse.He was around Two feet tall and had had various employment as a Butcher,a merchant seaman,a bouncer in a creche and a bodyguard for Whitney Who’sthumb the smallest woman in the world.We also deduced from his handshake that he was obviously a Weemason.The nipper victims were all horribly mutilated from the knees down and their leggy entrails were arranged in ritualistic fashion which some Nipperologists have linked to the Weemasons.He also had a great knowledge of Pumphy and its surroundings-he knew about the wee Bing and the Lions Heid and the roly poly and he knew the Seven Oaks was shite.We also noticed that on the fingers of his right hand were the letters S,G,S,Y,C.Anyone with a basic knowledge of Pumphy history could tell you that the Initials,S,G,S,Y,C stand for Snarl Grunt Spur Ya Cunt-the rallying cry for the First pumphy claymore volunteers at the battle of Bannockburn.
Ah got the shock of ma life a couple of weeks back when ah walked up to pumphy and noticed that the primary school and Institute hall had been demolished.A Quarter of my pre teen life was spent in that school-Harpo and I climbed in through the roof when we were were about Ten or Eleven and painted the windies of the Headmasters study but had the manners to leave Two wee spy holes so he could look through in the morning.We continued our painting spree on the school walls where we compromised oor anonymity slightly by writing ‘SCUD WAS HERE and HARPO WAS HERE’ in foot high letters.Strangely enough we never got into trouble for that,which was a nice wee change from getting into trouble for everything else- Which ranged from Goodfellas style raids on the Spar warehouse to setting fire to the detergent works.The only trouble we got into was from my mother who berated us for not writing SCUD and Harpo were here.1886-that’s when the school was built,Two years before the infamous Jock the nipper murders in the village.Six women were horribly mutilated from the knees down which led the police to believe they had a maniacal child on the loose.The killer also left a glove with the initials S,G,S,Y.C on each of the fingers.More on this later.
well,here we go after a long absence- its the return of the pumphy based website.The big local news is that pumphy’s very own husband and wife porno stars MONTY FUCK and FANNY SAYER have promised to shag in the centre circle at pumpherston juniors recreation park-if the ‘ston can beat Rutherglen in the Scottish cup 5th round.It’s ’99 per cent certain that ‘The man wi’ two cocks’ Bruce willies and his bird Sigourney Beaver will join in.Sig’s a bit of a girl so bring yer cameras and if she gets pissed,bring yer donkey.