Odds and ends.

That’s me quite settled in tae the new flat, noo. Ah’m relatively content and tryin’ tae leave behind some of ma bad habits at Forth Drive, unfortunately buryin’ ma heid under the sand is a bad habit, like the fags, that ah canny shake off. Ah’m coughin’ like Fuck 70% of the time ah’m smokin’ a joint- fuckin’ mental, and logic just flies oot the windie. Anyway, ah’ve felt as if a melancholy is creepin’ in- no’ quite the Black Dug, but a worn oot deflated feelin’ that ah’m strugglin’ wi’ at the moment.. Ah’ve got that that auld place tae deal wi’- ah might just send the keys back tae them by post. Ah just want tae wash ma hands of it. Ah’ve got a Cunt of  cauld as well, and that’s just makin’ things worse. Ah was at the Scotland v Israel World Cup qualifier- that was great but ah think it’s where ah picked up ma cauld. It was worth it, though,- the atmosphere was brilliant. That Israel are a shower of cheatin’ Cunts and ah’m no’ surprised that Tutankhamen’s uncle( or whoever the Fuck it was) told them tae go forth and multiply. Ah watched an awfy disturbing thing on the Telly aboot German atrocities in Ukraine durin’ WW2. hearin’ soldiers tryin’ tae justify shootin’ Two Million Mother’s and their kids was quite chillin’ – the matter of factness was quite scary.

This has been a Shit week fae day One on Sunday up to and includin’ noo. These legs are gettin’ tae me. Ah hate goin’ oot because they get really painful and even a wee walk is a Cunt. Ah get up, have a double dose of the Amatryptilene and the Prozac, wash it doon wi’ a Whisky Coffee and usually go back tae ma bed. Ah hate the Winter and ah don’t know if ah’ve got the will power tae stick it oot. Because ah get a wee overlap of Tablets fae Boots ah’m able,every Two months, tae put a wee stash away just in case. Ah’m off tae Hampden tomorrow for the Scotland Israel game and am lookin’ forward tae it. A wee win wid put us in  guid place tae make the play offs. We get a run through and back which is great because it’s aw the effin aboot before ye get tae the game and aw the effin’ aboot after it’s finished that’s a pain in the erse.. Anyway, ah canny be bothered typin’ and ah’ off for a soak in the bath. More tomorrow.



A few months back at Fort Apache, the Drive, when the wee Cunt next door was attractin’ the Polis every Five minutes, ah got a knock on ma door One night after a particularly noisy evenin’. Ah opened the door and the Polis were there- Three of them. The guy who knocked ma door was obviously a man on a mission who wisny goin’ home without arrestin’ people. Ah found his manner somewhat confrontational, for a member of the Gestapo, but, lookin’ at him, ah could see where aw this quiet rage was comin’ fae. He was a Cunt who obviously got bullied when he was at School. He was aboot ma height and he had what must’ve been the World’s strongest prescription glasses ah’ve ever seen- the Two lenses were full of eye- if ah’d got a shot of them ah wid’ve probably seen water on Mars. It got me thinkin’ aboot the Polis and what percentage of them got bullied when they were young and was this was their way of gettin’ back at the bullies. Ah always thought that the entry exam tae the Polis was made up of just Two questions- Are ye a Bawbag wi’ nae mates ?. If ye answered yes tae them both ye were in. Ah always thought that  Karate folk are a bit like the Polis- Ninety Five per cent Bawbags wi’ the odd good guy thrown in. Most of the Karate folk ah’ve met or known were awfy Bawbags- aw obsessed wi’ their Martial Art and the smug knowledge that they can knock Fuck oot ye, Cunt’s.    Anyway, ah was at Kelty on Saturday passed watchin’ the Kelty Hearts play Annan Athletic in the Scottish League Two top of the table clash. Kelty won 2-1 in front of a great wee crowd. Ah felt it comin’ back home after the game. Ah got dropped off at the shop – it’s no’ far fae ma flat and ah thought ah’d get ma shoppin’ and stroll doon leisurely tae Castle Scud. By Fuck, was ah wrong. Ah was totally effed when ah got the few Hundred yards back tae the flat. Ah had tae stop Four or Five times. It despairs me, bein’ almost crippled wi’ this Shite circulation but it’s of ma own ma makin’ Ah have tae give up smokin’ but ah just dinny think ah’ve got the will power- ah love bein’ stoned, so the edible route seems tae be the best option. Anyway, more tomorrow or later.

New House.

That’s almost a week noo in the new place and ah’m settlin’ in nicely. Got the kitchen, hallway and livin’ room sorted- ah need an Ariel and a bookcase for the bedroom and that’ll be me. Walkin’ tae the shop can be an ordeal as ah have tae stop every so often tae give ma Calf’s a rest. Walkin’ back can be a Bastard tae. Despite the move and the new/familiar sights ma health is a constant downer. Ah get a wee bit depressed ( or down, at least) and it’s become a regular occurrence- dizzy spells, sharp jaggin’ pains in ma legs and arms and wee murmurs in ma chest. Ah think sometimes that ah’ll probaby drop doon deid before the years oot- just ma luck. Still, ah’ve got loads tae keep ma mind of aw that Shite. It’s guid that ah dinny have tae go far for the Bob Hope, which, ah must admit, ah’ve no’ been smokin’ as much. Ah spend most of the time in the kitchen at the table, which has been an awfy boon and is the only cluttered part of the flat. Ah always end up wi’ far too much Shite and ma big job here in the new place will be tae keep it fae gettin’ cluttered. That’s me till Saturday – sometimes the site crashes after ah’ve typed oot alot of words and it’s annoyin’, so ah’m signin’ off.



Ah saw Fanny by Gaslight last night- ah’d never seen it before and it was the last thing ah expected tae see while ah was walkin’ through the Pumphy Wids on the path tae Craigshill at Two in the mornin’, but that’s another story.  Ah’m gettin’ quite excited aboot ma move. Ah should be in by next Saturday, sittin’ wi’ a wee Uigeadail, listenin’ tae Santana. Ah had a spare room that ah didny need full of stuff ah didny need- so the move will be a wee opporchancity tae make a fresh start and no’ be a Tit. Ah’ll Fuck up, though, ah know ah will. Everything will be new- Cooker, Washing Machine, Fridge, Freezer, Carpets, and that’ll be a first for me. Julie’s been at me for ages tae move but ah’m like a Giant Sloth wi’ a Chicken’s brain and ah’ve dillied and dallied- so a huge thanks tae Julie D for gettin’ it all organized. Ah was told that, fae ma new place, then west along the Cawburn road until ye get on tae Uphaw Station road, then along that until ah get on tae Drumshoreland road, past the COOP and back doon tae ma bit, is a mile- so that’s the target every day, at least. It’s mad that ah’ve ended up livin’ on top of what was the ‘Pratt’s Tip’ and near tae the legendary ‘Hairy Tip,’ where ah spent sae many wonderful days as a wee boy, climbin’ mountains and hidin’ fae Germans and Japanese gentlemen wi’ guns( oor PC obsessed climate does not permit me tae call them what ma pals called them in the early Seventies), buildin’ dams and underground trenches, crawlin’ through the undergrowth and have rabbits jump oot in front of ye, whackin’ away at bushes and plants wi’a guid stick that ye ended up takin’ hame because it was that guid. Just a few yards fae ma front door is the auld mine where ma Granny’s sister’s husband used to begin his underground walk tae start his shift at the Dean’s mine. Fae ma flat it’s only a couple of Hundred fae the spot where ma brother, Andrew, died in 1959. Ah used tae climb the trees in the wee bit of Wids that are left down by the Cawburn road a few yards fae the flat. ……. More tomorrow – One of these days ah’ll get tae Five Hundred words.



Had a great wee break in Ullapool-  great weather,nice people- great Whisky. Ah got a wee taste for the Whisky in Ullapool- and ah’ve had a wee tipple every day this week and drank a half bottle since ah got home yesterday at Six pm. Ah’ve opened another bottle that’ll probably die tonight at some point because ah’ve got the taste for it noo and it’s ‘ in me’. Big C says that he laughs at me wi’ the Whisky because ah start off savourin’ a nip and by the Fourth or Fifth One ah’m practically knockin’ them back in a slug. On Monday night in Ullapool- ah was sick after drinkin’ an awfy thing that a rather stunnin’ young Lassie bought me- she walked by Dunc, Big C and I and asked if ah wanted a ‘Shot’- she had a face mask on and sounded a bit muffled because of it, and ah had tae ask her tae repeat what she said. So, daft auld Cunt’s no’ in the mood tae refuse a young Woman’s offer of a drink. She told me tae knock it back in a One- er, and ah did and immediately felt sick and had tae vacate the premises tae find a Wa’ tae be sick behind. It was One of those sickly sweet fragments of an Abortion fae some hideous incest between Alcohol, Sugar and who knows. After bein’ sick ah felt fine and stuck tae the Balvennie Doublewood. On the Tuesday we had a quiet day drink wise and had a guid wee drink on oor last night. Ah got invited up tae Elgin for ‘a party, a Shacky up  and mare’, in Elgin, ‘ anytime.  The scenery was stunnin’ up there. Assynt, Loch Broom, Loch Maree, Torridon- just about too stunnin’ for words. It could’ny have been short of Eight Hundred Miles, the amount of Miles we travelled. It was over all too soon and back tae Livi was Shite, hey ho.


Ah’ll find oot tomorrow at the Infirmary if they can help oot wi’ ma sare legs- hopefully they can stick somethin’ in me that can widen the Arteries, otherwise ah’m effed. Ah’ve had the Black Dug as a companion for the last Two or Three weeks. Ah’m jovial and upbeat enough in company but when it’s just me ah just get depressed and almost Catatonic. When ah wake up first thing, ah’m like a Zombie for aboot half an Hour and by the time ah ‘un Zombie’ it’s time for ma Prozac and a Joint. The plan is tae cook the Bob Hope and use it as Tea- it’s got a nice taste and topped up Twice a day wi’ a wee nip makes for a nice Beverage. Like me, Chrissie B is a loose Cannon wi’ the drink. Ah thought ah’d throw that in because she got a bit worried that ah widny go tae the Infirmary in Edinburgh for ma appointment wi’ the Vascular people. If they can help, that’ll be me off the Joints. Ah wid look at it like bein’ a mistake away fae a Red Card at the Fitba’ if they could help me- and ah widny get booked again and wid hang up ma boots before bein’ substituted. Anyway, that’s for tomorrow. Debbie’s comin’ up for a wee catch up on Friday- ah’ll have tae get ma erse intae gear for her comin’ up regardin’ the tidyin’ up. There was a bit of upheaval and disruption wi’ the Boilers and Radiators gettin’ installed, but ah’ll have it looking OK for her and Rebekah comin’ up.  So, that’s the week aboot sorted- on Monday the Cancer Bus is off tae Ullapool for Three nights and ah’m lookin’ forward tae takin’ in aw the beautiful scenery we’ll be a part of on the way up and doon. Ah’m hoping tae take a few Photy’s, drink a few half’s and have a guid laugh.

Another day.

Another beautiful day today. Ah should be at this website aw day but lately ah’ve been too pissed off tae want tae write anything. It wid just be negative and depressin’, anyway. The sun’s been shinin'( alot) lately and ah’ve got a wee somethin’ in the Bank, ma cupboards are stocked, ma Fridge is full but ah feel totally deflated and unhappy wi’ the way things have turned oot. Ah have tae stop smokin’ and ah’ve just no’ got the will power tae dae it. Walkin’ is just an evil necessity noo, instead of bein’ a wonderful thing tae enjoy.  Like the man said in the film ‘Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin”. The second option seems tae be the easier option at the moment.


The weather has been glorious these last few days- gloriously beautiful. Ah love this time of year, especially when we get the weather we should get in June and July. Although, ah’m really strugglin’ wi’ the walkin’, it’s been great to see everything in bloom and hear the wildlife. Ah’m at the stage where ah think this might be ma last Summer- ah hope no’, but wi’ ma health ah have tae be realistic. Ah remember Two or Three days after ah’d been diagnosed wi’ the Cancer and been given a Fifty Fifty chance of survivin’ it, ah was sittin’ ootside the Bank on a day like today wonderin’ how many Summers ah might have left. Well, ah’ve had Six more since then and Two of them have been an Identikit of what ye wid’ve wanted…. Managed tae get some money in the Bank account. Davy, Chris and Linda won’t be forkin’ oot any money tae bury me. Ah went fuckin’ mental, though, and spent Twelve Hundred Quid on Bob Hope in a month- Forty Quid a day, for a month up in smoke. Ah did get a tablet, though, which is what ah’m usin’ to type this out. Ma long, long, long wait for a wee Shag( a big Shag wid be ideal, but a wee Shag wid be fine. Ah think if ah saw a fanny ma first reaction wid be tae put a plaster on it – it’s been that long since ah’ve seen One- Rivelisa, the Woman fae Brazil, hers was the last One ah’ve seen. Unfortunately, she didny look like a Brazilian Woman ye’d see on the beach at Ipanema or Copacabana, she looked like a Brazilian Woman that ye’d see doon the Amazon wi’ a spear and a bone through her nose. Ah still see her at the Mall, occasionally, but ah hide. Health wise, ah’m Fucked when ah walk and ah find it quite soul destroyin’. Tomorrow will be an abstinence day- nae fags, nae Bob Hope and nae Whisky- just tae see if it makes a difference. Whenever ah go oot ah’ve always had a couple of Rastafarian Old Holburn’s beforehand. So, we’ll see if there’s any change. Ah think it’s too late,though and ah widny be surprised if the Cancers back. Hey ho.

The curious case of Flatulencia Windass.

Ah’ve been tryin’ tae stop the fags and have been makin’ alot of Cannabis Tea and Cakes. Linda wid go mental if she knew how much money ah’ve spent on Bob Hope and drink in the last Two weeks. Ah think ah’ve left it too late, though- ah’ve got the worst cough ah’ve ever had and ah know aw aboot coughs, ah could write a fuckin’ Thesis on them. Anyway, Bordeaux for ma birthday in April and le Fitba'(which is French for ‘le Fitba’). Had a guid wee time buying mainly Shite- ah got some nice Whisky, though. The Boabby Thomson Cancer Bus will head for Ullapool in August for a much anticipated return to the heilans. Scotland bein’ back on the big stage at the Fitba’ was guid. Ah likened it a bit to goin’ to a party and no’ gettin’ a shag at the end of the night but seein’ plenty of cleavage while the party was in full swing. It’s quite sad in a way that oor Two ‘wee victories’ were the full time whistle at Wembley after a 0-0 draw and the equalizer against Croatia. We’re just Shite at defendin’. Ah thought we were OK- passin’, organization, aw good. Just Shite defendin’ – oh, and finishin’. Ah’ll stop at that before this gets like the ‘What have the Romans ever done for us’ scene, from the Life of Brian………