Author Archives: Scud

Scrappy Doo was an annoyin’ wee Cunt- ah was watchin’ a daft thing on the You Tube aboot characters who were introduced tae a TV series and Buggered it up. He wasted Scooby Doo and made it instantly forgettable, in an instant( so, there.)….. Pumphy got beat again but we’re no’ bottom of the league- the Sons of the Glorious Revolution( Harthill Royal) are the basement battlers this year so, that’s a bonus. Hibs drew wi’ Dundee United and Cove and Kelty both drew…… Ah’ll have tae work oot how tae start a new paragraph on this thing. Ah’ve still got the New year hangover and ah’ve been sittin’ in ma jammy’s for a fortnight. Ah’ve been oot Three times since the First of January. Ah hate the new year- ah hate the build up tae it ah hate the countdown tae it. Ah think it’s because ye reflect alot at new year- on people who aren’y here and people who ye wish we’re here and aw the mistakes ye’ve made in the past and the mistakes ye’ll make next year- that’s what the new year means for me. It’s just a Shite world at the moment- energy bills, food prices, strikes, Nazis in government, a war in Europe, global warmin’. Aw that gender Pish, tae- what a carry on. When ah was at School ye had Two lines for the dinner hall- ah shudder tae think how many they need these days. …….. New paragraph- So, Jim W sorted oot the website for me- there were quite alot of changes tae the look of it. Ah’m gaunny devote mare time tae the website and less time tae the Pusbook- just get’s me intae trouble. Jeff Beck died and ah had a wee Spotify night of ma favourite songs of his. Ah love People get ready and Nadia. He was Seventy Eight. Ah’m stoppin’ here for dinner- ah’ll be back.

Well, that’s that then, 2022, nearly at an end and what a year it’s been- Three Prime Ministers, Two monarchs, a World Cup in December (wi’ a Final Hat Trick for the loser)- Nurses strikin’ for the first time in- ever, Government corruption under oor noses, gaun unpunished, mayhem in the Whitehoose and an invasion and war in Europe- and aw that before PELE died. Hibs have been up and doon like the Assyrian empire- One minute they’re knockin’ the Ba’ aboot like the 1970 Brazilians and the next minute they lose Two goals and get a man sent off. Scotland were awright this year- still didny qualify for the World Cup in the Desert, but we’re a better watch, these days. Jock Stein said that tae qualify for the World Cup ye wear yer workin’ claes and ye put on yer Sunday best for the finals- ah’m quite sure that, had we qualified, this tournament wid’ve ended up like aw the others where we’ve no’ taken any claes at aw. The Three days of mournin’ for King Charles’ beloved Mama( ah mean, who even talks like that these days?- Fuck off) was the longest Six months of ma life- ah felt as if ah was in a nightmarish Acid trip that ah couldny get away fae. Like aw ordeals, it ended and we had the fiasco of the Three Baw Bags- Johnson, Truss and Sunak tae follow( or in the middle of it ah suppose).  Aye, it’s been a Shite year. Bordeaux in late March and early April wi’ Davy and Callum was great- apart fae the abject discomfort and misery of walkin’. Ah was glad tae get back tae sittin’ on ma erse in Pumphy. Ah woman in front of Davy and I at the Airport on the way home thought ah was havin’ a heart attack and got a queue person tae get me a shortcut through the crowd. Nice One. Since then ah’ve continued tae abuse ma body wi’ tobacco, Grass and Whisky- too late tae stop noo, ah suppose. Ah’ve had a bit of bother wi ma feet and legs and the odd dizzy spells, but other than that ah’ve been fine- apart fae this Cunt of a cough that ah’ve had for weeks. Ah only cough when ah smoke. Ah’ve got a fat belly and it gets me doon- ah canny walk far, so ah canny walk it off. Anyway, another year wi’ naebody close bitin’ the big yin and that was good. We’re aw at that age where we could drop deid anytime. 11pm- an hour of the auld year left. For the year ahead- “ah hope tae see another summer, cos if ah dinny, it’ll be a Bummer, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, tae miss them wid be an awfy waste”.  That came intae ma heid the other day- ah should concentrate on ma website instead of the Pusbook. Ah have tae stop bein’ the Henry Gondorf who was pissed in the bath and be the Henry Gondorf who won at cairds on the Train( the Great Escape is still great and Trains play a part in that,tae)- a bit more exercise, cut doon- on the fags, stop eatin’ biscuits and Chocolate and sweeties – stop bein’ a Tit.–Ah’m Sixty in a Hundred days time- ah’m still the hairy ersed laddie ah was when auld Scud died.  On the Eleventh of this month auld Scud wid’ve been a Hundred- so, a wee Uigeadail will be sipped in his memory. Ah often think aboot what he was daein’ at ma age- he was an unhappy man in an unhappy marriage married tae a woman who probably took Ten years off his life. Ah’m no’ very happy or contented masel and ah’m waitin’ tae die if ah’m bein’ honest. Ma Strings or Angioplasty thing wid be life transformin’ for me but ah’ll probably get the OK letter for it the day efter ah die. Ah’m stoppin’, noo, just in case this develops intae a suicide note.

So, that’s that then- the Queen is dead, long live the King. Ah canny deny that ah felt a wee tinge of sadness at auld Lizzie’s passin’. Ah’m nae monarchist or Royalist but she was a face and a presence ah’ve known aw ma life and it is a Jesus Christ things will be different noo, time in aw oor lives. Everything will Change- Bank notes, coins, stamps- it’s the King’s highways noo, and King’s Councils at court and every other thing that had Queen before it will have King before it noo. Ah thought the wee Paddington thing was awfy nice and she looked a frail, but happy, contented wee woman. She was born in the same year as auld Bunty and ah actually thought of auld Bunty when ah saw the Queen rattlin’ her spoon on her saucer at the start of that Queen( the group) song. It will probably be ma abidin’ image of her -that and her Marmalade Sandwich in her hand bag. Awfy nice and poignant and aw the other words ah could use tae put it in a positive light- but, FFS let’s have some normal back. Ah feel as if Three days of news and constant coverage has just fallen on ma heid and smothered me. It’s a nice opporchancity tae listen tae Kirsty Wark and Kirsty Young speakin’, which is always a wee joy, ah also feel as if ma next Five days and more will be dominated by Royal Shit. WHO the Fuck did Penny Mordaunt shag tae get that job at Charlie’s swearin’ in ceremony?. It’s like bein’ in a bad dream or bad sleep that ye canny get away fae. Aw the nonsense and pomp and ceremony- gie’s a brek- just Five minutes of other news wid be nice.

Ma insomnia insists- Saturday and Sunday didny exist sleep wise- Sunday night’s sleep was intermittent, tae say the least. So, on Monday night ah’m fully expectin’ a good sleep( at Half One in the morning) when ah went tae ma bed, after bein’ awake for almost Forty Oors. Did ah get a guid sleep ?- did ah Fuck. Ah couldny sleep and ah tossed and turned constantly and got oot ma bed at Six tae get ma milk in, efter Two weeks of gettin’ up at mad times and findin’ that the milk had turned tae curds and whey( which sounds like a comedy duo who their audience can only remember One of them ( ma Grammar seems a bit off, there) – Ah forgot what ah was on aboot and had tae go back a couple of lines. So, efter another Shite sleep, ah was stirred at mid-day when the big C phoned tae say he was thinkin’ aboot comin’ doon for a blether. Ah said, as ah always dae, nae problem, ah’ll pit the Kettle oan and hung up. Luckily, he said he’d be doon at 1pm, because when ah hung up ah realized ah was soakin’ wi’  sweat – ma hair and neck were drippin’ wi’ sweat, ma torso was drippin’ wet, the pilly was soakin’ -tae the point where there was a wee damp patch on the pilly underneath ma top pilly- the other mattressy  thing that Linda got me for movin’ in was soakin’. It was fuckin’ alarming and ah actually panicked at the amount ah had sweated durin’ the Shite, intermittent, nightstand sleep ah’d just had. Ah ran through tae the toilet and immediately put the shower on, hardly waitin’ for it tae heat up( and it’s a Cunt tae heat up quick enough at the best of times). Ah have tae Quarter turn a thing between the Two taps at the same time as turnin the hot lever on, otherwise the water’ll come oot the taps instead of the shower heid, which is fine if ah’m wantin’ a shower at ma leisure- but ah bulletted through like a man possessed, thinkin’ what the eff is gaun oan. The exertion fae daein’ that put ma heart rate right up and ah got aw paranoid – the last time ah sweated that profusely was when ah was havin’ ma heart attack. It was Biblical- the torrent of sweat that flooded off ma body- and ah hadny a clue what was happenin’ tae me- gaspin’ for air that wisny there, no’ knowin’ at the time it was because ma Lungs were fillin’ wi’ ma ain body fluids. If there was a God, and ah know that there isny, and ah feel quite confident in that assumption- ah wid thank him, or her( and, that’s it, ah don’t effin’ care who ah offend wi’ just sayin’ him or her-in the history of Humans ( or HuWomans, or HumanWomankind( that’s what the People’s Front of Judea wid argue aboot, ah canny be fuckin’ bothered. Anyway, if there was a God( or Goddess) ah wid praise him( or her). Fuck yer ‘ theys’ or ‘It’s’ or ‘whay’s’ or ‘why’s’- like ah said, if yer offended by that, Fuck ye, ah don’t care. In the Century ah was born in, there were men and women. There were men who fancied women and there were women who fancied men- there were women who fancied women and men who fancied men. Growin’ up ah saw Ben the Dug try tae have sexual relations wi’ other male Dugs – ah’ve seen other male Dugs try tae have sexual relations wi’ Ben the Dug- and ah think – ‘So what’  they’re no daein’ anybody or thing any harm, good luck and ah hope yer happy, but when ye hear aw that political correct Shite aboot ‘it’ and ‘they’ and Trans sexuals and a new letter gettin’ added on every month tae the already bulgin’ list of letters they have noo, for aw that stuff – takes aboot Two days tae say them aw. Ah went away fae the main plot there-  ah was talkin’ aboot sprintin’ intae the shower. Before talkin’ aboot that, ah didny mention that ah’d been hallucinatin’ and when planes were flyin’ over, ah was hearin’ things- like Four or Five people speakin’ at Once, just slightly further away than the crowd listenin’ tae Jesus at the beginnin’ of The Life of Brian who heard, apparently, that the Greeks were going to take over the world- so, that seemed tae be a portent of no’ very good things tae come. When ah got under the shower ah felt unsteady on ma feet, but, after a minute of that and a strange paranoia, ah calmed doon and the rest of the day was OK. It’s half Eight in the mornin’ and ah’m tryin tae phone the health centre for a phone appointment – so, ah’m havin’ a wee break.

Today was rough as Fuck and ah’m glad it’s done wi’. Tae be honest, since gettin’ back tae Pumphy fae the Train journey tae Arrochar ah’ve had the Black Dug. It had been such a great day wi’  Linda and Chris and Davy- the food and drink was amazin’, the scenery was stunnin’- a jolly day was had by all. Contrast that wi’ the ‘back tae normal’ of Pumphy and what dae ah end up wi’ ?. a realization of how Shite ma normal is. Ah can hardly walk- ah’m fat- a beer belly and Dolly Parton Tits- as a result of bein’ a virtual prisoner in ma ain hoose, dizzy spells where ah get cauld awfy quick and have tae sit doon. Fuck knows what that is. For some reason ah’ve been strugglin’ tae sleep as well. Ah’ve no’ seen the wee Cat for a few days, noo. Ah’ve got tins of Cat food and a carton of Cat treats for the wee Bugger. Ah’m gaun tae chap the door of the woman in the next block, who’s Cat it is, and ask her if it’s OK. Was gettin’ fond of the wee thing and ah hope it’s no’ been knocked doon. Liz Truss as PM- what the fuck is aw that aboot?.  So, ah ended up lookin’ at the knife ah use tae shave the pollen off the lump ah’ve got – but ah thought ‘Fuck that’.  Ah couldny kill masel( well, ah am smokin- which is the same thing as suicide in a roond aboot way) wi’ violence- ah’ll day it One day wi’ the Amitriptylines and some Whisky- no’ yet, though.

The last couple of weeks have been an ordeal. Soon, ah’ll no’ be able tae walk- ah’m stoppin’ every Two minutes and ah’m gettin’ fat- throw insomnia intae the mix and it aw makes for a Shite quality of life. One of these days ah’ll have a daft turn and swally aw the Amitriptylines. Felt like that today walkin’ up and doon fae the shop and it’s only aboot Two or Three Hundred yards.

The train journey on the Northern Belle was great- the fab Four( the Broons) had a great time, thanks tae Davy’s generosity. In Monopoly ye get the chance/ Community chest cards wi’ Your annuity has matured or ye’ve won money- ah think Davy gets aboot Three o’ them a week. Davy’s always guid- wi’ money- ah’m fuckin’ Shite. Anyway, the train tae Arrochar and Bus journey tae Inveraray castle for a wee walkaboot was great. Ah wish ah could remember what ah had tae eat but ah’ve been wasted on the Valium aw week. Ah’ll have tae give them up- on top of the Amitriptyline and Prozac and the Bob Hope, they’re a bit much. Ah’ve had the Black Dug aw week and done alot of sleepin’ and very little eatin’. Walkin’ has become an ordeal and ah’m thinkin’ if ye canny walk what the fuck can ye dae?. Ah put the grill on tae light a joint and smoked it,then went tae ma bed for a wee nap. The wee nap ended up bein’ Six oors- and ah’d left the grill on- and the kitchen was like the Equator. Dodged a bullet wi’ that One and could’ve ended up toasted. Ma cough isny shiftin’ and ah just feel lethargic aw the time. Ah find that when ah’m in company ah’m fine and upbeat – fuck it -ah’m gettin’ depressed just writin’ this. Hopefully the next entry will be a bit more light-hearted.

The weather’s been great this summer – heat waves in Portugal, Spain, France- here. Rivers and reservoirs dryin’ up, forest fires- it’s aw quite scary when ye put it aw together but if ah keep gettin’ summer tans like the One ah’ve got the noo, keep global warmin’ comin’. The tail end of March was Mediterranean in Pumphy- proper get in there warm weather. Ah thought if it was like that here, how hot was Bordooks gaun tae be?. No’ very, was the answer tae that. Of ma many visits tae Bordooks the last was the least enjoyable. Ah was effed wi’ walkin’. The walk tae the L’Escure was brutal- if ah had a gun ah wid’ve shot masel. Ah enjoyed the Rugby, though, between Bordeaux and La Rochelle- hadny a clue what was gaun on but there was a great atmosphere( as always) in the auld stadium. Nae big Jessie’s in that sport, unlike the beautiful game (Fitba’) which has turned intae the Portrait of Dorian Gray( mare later on that). Rugby’s tough and if they go doon it’s because it’s sair or they’re deid. Watchin’ grown men on a Fitba’ pitch droppin’ like a fly and rollin’ aboot the pitch is embarrassing. .. Aye, so Bordooks was a bit sair on the legs, but still great. Sing at the Bing was guid- the crowd and the company and the weather, at least- ah canny remember any of the music because ah was too busy bletherin’. If Four Broons are gathered in One place there will be bletherin’. Ah went tae the Fringe at the Bing(at the Pumphy Bowlyseum) and recited Tam the Wanker, tae great laughter and applause, which was awfy nice. …………                                                       Health wise, ah’ve no’ had many problems – ah get wee aches and pains all over but ah’m glad tae be alive.

Ah had tae type aw this Twice. Anyway, ah’ve just returned fae a visit tae Black Dug land and it was Shite as usual. Ah’m listenin’ tae ‘ Watermelon in Easter Hay’ by Frank Zappa and it’s sublime . The West Calder High School friends  website got me thinkin’ aboot life and school days, and growin up and the jobs that ah’ve had and the Women ah’ve known. Luckily ah dinny have tae work because ma body is Fucked, basically, thanks tae over Forty years of Nicotine and Marijuana abuse. Fags are Shit but ah love a joint, or at least ah love bein’ stoned and listenin’ tae ma music or daein’ the Sudoku. Aye, jobs- in ma days of employment ah’ve only had Three bosses who ah wid’ve happily watched bein’ in a freak accident involvin’ a runaway Combine Harvester and a corkscrew. Two of them were English, funnily enough, and they were  a couple of Cunts- no’ because they were English, they were just Cunts. Ah’ve had bosses who were English who were wonderful, kind people-  ye can do somethin’ aboot bein’ a Cunt- ye’ve got tae accept bein’ English, in the knowledge that, wherever ye go in the world, everybody’s goin’ tae think yer a Cunt, regardless of the fact that, chances are, ye’ll be a kind wonderful person. ……. Got the Bordeaux insurance sorted Davy B’s was Twelve quid- 73 Quid for mine. So, it’s official, Davy B is Sixty One Quid healthier than me–fuckin’ annoyin’ that there isny a pound sign on the keyboard- ah have tae type ‘ quid’ in. Davy B also mentioned that he was thinkin’ aboot gettin’ me a wheelchair for Bordeaux- that’s how fucked ah am. Hash tea and Fag patches fae noo on.