The cancer Diaries -25.11.15

264547_151119898393021_690731252_n - CopyHad a shit week so far. I don’t know if it’s the chemo or the other medication I’m on but I’ve been in quite a bit of pain – on Sunday night I felt as if my body was under siege- my arms, legs and chest were so sore I could only think ‘heart attack’ and never slept.  On Monday I had the heart rehab place to go to at St Jocks and my heart is recovering well. The Doctors seem to be quite happy with everything – my heart, my chemo – but my Arteries are like a road to the seaside on a bank holiday heatwave and I might need another procedure to sort out the blood flow to my right eye. It’s funny but I don’t worry about the cancer – it’s the Artery situation that keeps me awake at night. Every pain that I get  in my arms, legs, chest or neck and I think ‘is that a clogged Artery, am I a couple of heartbeats away from a stroke’?. I wouldn’t want that – not knowing when I’ve shit myself and having some poor bastard clean it up. I hope that when I die it’ll be quick.

Another letter from Pumpherston -19.11.15

223Pumphy is bracing itself for Hurricane ‘Boabby Thomson’ on Saturday night. It is expected to hit the village around evening time and Police, Pumpherston Popular Front [ PPF ] and Pumpherston Liberation Organisation [PLO ]  leaders, Boabby Thomson and Boabby Thomson [ no relation ] have promised to put aside their differences and work together to help out in any emergencies. It is unfortunate that the Pensioners annual, Bingo, Pea, Broccoli and Lentil soup night at the Bowling club will go ahead but the authorities are prepared for any eventuality. ‘ Pumphy Observer’ chief reporter, Huge Mucklefanny, will be their with his note pad and also his web cam, in case Pumphy’s husband and wife porn stars Monty F–k and Fanny Sayer decide to make ‘Blowin in the wind’ and ‘ The Enema Within’. The storm,  coming from the west, expected to produce winds of over Eighty miles an hour, coupled with the Bingo, Pea, Broccoli and Lentil soup night at the Bowly is expected to make any one East of Pumphy’s life a misery for a good few hours.

The cancer Diaries – 19.11.15

Finished my Third and last round of chemo for the week and that’ll be that until the Seventh of December. Had a wee spell of beating the constipation but the chemo seems to have won out – I was as regular as an African Humanitarian crisis but lately I’ve been lacking in Bowel movements to the point where it’s become a bit worrying. Chris told me I could apply for a hardship type allowance to help with my heating bill and I told her that I’d rather apply for a ‘Hard shit’ allowance. On the bright side the Doctors are happy with the way things are going and I am responding well to the treatment- Six more rounds of chemo and hopefully I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. I must admit that another heart attack is more of a worry than the Cancer – as I always say these days, Cancer’s not instant whereas a heart attack could kill in a second, which in itself is a great way to go but to have time to think about taking a second to die can be a bit scary- best not to think about it, I suppose, would be the road to go down with that one.  That’s over a month now without a roll up or any tobacco whatsoever – which is quite an achievement for me – it’s a pity it’s taken a heart attack to manage it. I miss a joint, though. I’d rather breathe and have a heartbeat than a roll up.

The Cancer Diaries -15.11.15

I got my ‘half time’ scan yesterday at St Jocks and I’ll find out on Monday how the chemo is going. Hopefully it will be finished on New years eve but I’ll have to wait and see. I’ve had so many scans and x rays in the last couple of months I’ll either get more cancer or turn into the Incredible hulk. I often think about how lucky I’ve been – the stroke I wasn’t aware of that could’ve turned me into a vegetable, the heart attack that almost killed me and the cancer which could kill me in the future. I don’t have a greater appreciation of life at the moment but I’m sure that will come if and when I get the all clear from the cancer. The thought that does seem to flit through my mind more than any other is ‘F–k sake- I had a Heart attack’. I didn’t see that coming and never thought about it. The cancer was different as I always thought I’d die of that- lung cancer was the favourite, and was always a worry to me. A scary thing about a heart attack is that it could be instant whereas the cancer takes a bit of time to kill you. I’ve been so lucky having great people helping me through all this – family, friends, well wishers- as well as all the Doctors, nurses and hospital staff who have been wonderful.                           ———  Before going to the hospital yesterday I was at the centre with Chris and I bought a couple of CD’s for a Tenner. I got the ‘Essential Heart’ -which is essentially shite apart from the songs from the ‘Dreamboat Annie’ album and another one or two which are not too bad . I also got ‘Tears for fears’- the collection, mainly for ‘Woman in chains’ and like the Heart CD it’s mostly shite but worth buying for the good songs. Lately, I’ve been listening to Horse, Led Zeppelin, The Grateful dead and going on youtube and playing old favourites- it’s great and it’s also highly addictive- so for an ex heavy smoker who’s trying to come off the Bob Hope it’s ideal.  Tomorrow will be a month since my Heart attack and a month since my last cigarette – I’m hoping to do without either for a long time to come.

A Letter from Pumphy – 13.11.15

The curse of the Pumphy Christmas lights continued last week when the man who turned them on last year, Boabby Thomson, died suddenly. It has been the Pumpherston Popular Fronts policy over the last Five years to ask the oldest resident in the village to turn on the lights and 117 year old Boabby’s sudden death after contracting Pneumonia Three days after being run over by a bin lorry has only fuelled the villagers belief that the Christmas tree lights are cursed. He turned the lights on last Dec 1st – just a week after 115 year old Boabby Thomson [ no relation ], the previous years ‘switchy oan boy’, died suddenly a week after having both his arms and legs [ and an ear] amputated after a freak shaving accident. As if that isn’t spooky enough Three years ago 110 year old Boabby Thomson was electrocuted as he switched the lights on and was thrown Forty feet off the gantry and landed on top of the South Queensferry bus which crashed into the Forth and jettisoned Boabby in the direction of Scandinavia. Despite losing all his fingers and toes and Three of his testicles [ remember, he was ‘fae Pumphy’ ] to exposure and frostbite and losing his leg to a Great white cod, he was picked up by a long boat captained by Kirk Douglas, of all people, and safely delivered to the intensive care unit at St Johns where he died suddenly, Three days later.  There has long been talk of the ‘Curse of the Pumphy Christmas tree lights’, of course – ever since Jesus was crucified just Five months after turning on the Pumphy Christmas candles in 32 AD. Other famous names throughout history have ‘fallen victim’ to the curse – Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Julius Caesar, Amy Winehouse and the woman who had a small speaking part in a Jon Pertwee episode of  Dr Who in the early 1970’s. From 1996 to 2001 Vanessa Feltz was forced, at gunpoint, to switch the lights on in the hope that there was some truth in the curse, but the tubby bitch is still here with us – so the curse could be an old wives tale.———-

The cancer Diaries -6.11.15

What an awfy, awfy day. I was at the hospital at 11 this morning to give my blood and it was the usual ‘Hunt for Red October’ as the nurses tried to find a pulse and take a blood pressure reading. I was also given my new chemo therapy timetable which will now finish on Dec. 23rd. I then had to go to the hospital dentist to have Two teeth pulled- one which was very loose and the other which was very painful. It had been causing me a bit of discomfort and I couldn’t get into the dentist chair quick enough. I wish now I’d missed the appointment. The loose tooth was a dawdle but the sore one was a nightmare- I’ve never been in as much pain after a tooth out- Six strong painkillers, an ice pack, a hot water bottle on the side of my face, a blinding head ache and Thirteen hours later and it’s just become bearable- what’s making it worse is that every time I swallow it’s really painful. So, all in all, a shite day and I hope that one morning in the not too distant future I can wake up feeling well, healthy and happy.

The cancer Diaries – 5.11.15.

Health wise everything seems to be fine at the moment – although every wee twinge or pain in my arm or chest makes me think the worst- especially at night. I’m still very tired, though, and feel as though I could sleep forever. Two great results for Hibs over the last few days have been a huge tonic- wins over Rangers in the league and Dundee Utd in the league cup have put the auld Hi bees in a nice place and well done, Stubbsy and the players for keeping the sunshine on Leith. On the downside, I noticed that ‘Britain First’ Nationalist party are using a photo of the murdered soldier Lee Rigby to promote themselves. Over Seventy years ago my Auld man’s generation ended up in a war to keep Nazi-ism and Fascists out of Britain and here we are now allowing them to spout their nonsense- I suppose in a free country you have to allow for ignorant, brain dead bigots and hope that common sense and education will win out in the end. I canny be bothered with all that ‘Help our Heroes’ shite – making martyrs out of British soldiers who die in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or wherever the f–k Britain and the yanks have got a vested interest. It’s as if the Armed forces are to be put on a pedestal and given this God-like status. Thankfully it’s only the brain deid ignorant f–kers among us who put them up on a pedestal because the ‘Sun’ and Daily F–kin’ Record tell them to. I’ll willingly donate and buy a Poppy every year- and I will till I die- in remembrance of the soldiers who died in the Two world wars- not for a soldier who joined the army and was killed in Iraq or Afghanistan or somewhere else that has economic or strategic value to the west.

The cancer Diaries – 1.11 15.

Furosemide, Clopidogrel, Ivabridine, Atorvastatin – if you had all those in scrabble you’d be laughing but when you’ve got to take them day and night to stay alive it can get you down a bit. The weekend has been a bit of a wash out for me – I felt cold all day Saturday and not very well at all. A doctor had to come out at 2 am this morning and check me over but he said I was ok, but to phone for an Ambulance if my temperature got higher. I  woke today with my pillow soaked through and I fainted when I was in the toilet- so a great start to the day. Hibs have just taken the lead against Rangers, though, so it’s not all doom and gloom. I wish I was well and healthy, though – the thought of feeling like this for evermore isn’t very appealing. What a beautiful day, though.