Tam the wanker by Scud Broon
OOT THE PUB AND FU O’ WHISKY,
THEN GETTING HAME AND FEELIN’ FRISKY,
THIS TRUTH FAND HONEST WANKER TAM,
PREPARIN FOR A NICHT WI PALM,
BUT SOMEONE STOLE HIS STASH O’ PORN,
HIS MATE WIS BRINGIN’ MARE THE MORN,
BUT TAM – WHIT GUID WIS THAT TAE YOU,
CHOKIN’ AN’ GAGGIN ON A PU?
AROOND THE HOOSE HE HAD A LOOK,
AND, CRIVVENS, FAND SOME DIRTY BOOKS,
BUT, JINGS OOR TAMMY SWAYED AND REELED,
WHEN THEIR CONTENTS WERE REVEALED,
TAM AW TAM HAD THEY BEEN KNAVERS,
OR ASIAN BABES OR SHAVEN RAVERS,
THIR BREEKS O’ YOURS THAT COST TWO BOB,
WAD’VE BEEN WHEECHT RICHT OFF TAE BARE YER KNOB.
AND YE’D HAVE HAD THAT TINGLY BELLY,
AT THE THOCHT O’ PLAYIN WI YOUR WEE FELLY,
BUT HELP MA BOAB ‘AULD GANG BANG GRANNIES’
WI SUNKEN TITS AND SCARY FANNIES,
WID NE’ER PIT METTLE IN HIS COCK,
BUT MARE THAN LIKELY MAK HIM BOKE,
OOR TAMMY CRAVED SOME STIMULATION,
TO AID HIM WITH HIS MASTURBATION,
A CATALOGUE, A FREEMANS, SAY,
WI SCANTY SEE THROUGH LINGERIE,
WID NO BE GREAT BUT IT WID DAE,
TAE GET HIM STARTED ON HIS WAY,
THEN, AS IF BY MAGIC , ONE APPEARED,
AND TAMMY THUMBED AND LOOKED AND LEERED,
AND SOON HIS KNOB WAS PRIMED FOR ACTION,
AS HE DREAMED O’ BLISS AND SATISFACTION,
THEN TAMMY SPIED A HANDY SOCK,
THAT HE COULD WRAP AROOND HIS COCK,
‘JINGS’ HE THOCHT ‘HOW GRAND AND BONNIE,
I’LL USE IT AS A RUBBER JOHNNY.
THE ONE STRING BANJO TAMMY PLAYED,
HE COULD BE HEARD FOR MILES, ITS SAID,
INDEED, TWAS MUSIC TO THE EARS,
WI TAM ESPECIALLY CLOSE TO TEARS,
AS TAMMY CHUGGED SAE FAST AND FURIOUS,
THE NEEBORS AW BECAME QUITE CURIOUS,
THE MOANS, THE GROANS,THE CRIES, THE SHRIEKS,
MADE AULD JEAN NEAR SHITE HER BREEKS,
BUT NOSEY JACK WHA’ LIVED NEXT DOOR,
HE WASNY DAFT AND KNEW THE SCORE,
A WANKER ONCE HE’D BEEN HIMSEL,
HE KNEW THE SIGNS AND HE COULD TELL,
“YA DIRTY HOOR” AULD NOSEY BELLOWED,
AND TAM WAS ONE EMBARRASED FELLOW,
BUT JINGS HE COULDN’Y GIVE A SHIT ,
HE WAS NEARLY AT THE TICKLY BIT,
HE RUBBED AND TUGGED WI FURIOUS MICHT,
TILL WOW – HE SAW AN UNCO SICHT,
SPUNK ON WINDIES, DOORS AND FLAIRS,
ALONG THE LOBBY AND DOON THE STAIRS,
EVEN AN ELELPHANT MICHT TURN HIS HEID,
AT THE VAST AMOUNT O’ TAMMY’S SEED,
OOR TAM WAS SPENT AND COULDN’Y CARE,
AND THREW THE SOCK BEHIND A CHAIR,
BUT THEN HIS MATE CAME OOT THE SHOWER,
HE HAD HIS WORK AT HALF PAST FOWER,
HE’D LOST A SOCK, SEARCHED EVERYWHERE,
EXCEPT THAT IS BEHIND THE CHAIR,
HE FUND IT – TAM THOCHT “HOLY SHIT”
AS HIS MUCKER PULLED IT OWER HIS FIT,
“WHIT THE FUCK” HIS BUDDY ROARED,
AND IN AN INSTANT TAM WAS FLOORED,
WHEN HE’D FELT TAM’S BUSINESS ON HIS FOOT,
HE HOOKED HIM ONCE AND LAID HIM OOT,
THEN HE KNOCKED POOR TAMMY SILLY,
AND WI GAIRDEN SHEARS – CUT OFF HIS WILLY!
SO, IF TAE DIRTY BOOKS YE ARE INCLINED,
OR THE TEN MINUTE FREEVIEW RUNS THROUGH YER MIND,
OR IF YE SPY A HANDY SOCK,
REMEMBER TAM THE WANKERS COCK!