The Cancer Diaries – 28.9.15

043346 (2)I don’t know how I’m going to manage to stop smoking – that’s a bit like going back in time and telling Hitler to stop being a C–t – or going back farther in time and telling Jesus to start being a C–t. I could say it would be easier to forgive Linlithgow Rose for ‘Stoviegate’ – but I’d be tellin’ fibs – I will definitely stop smoking before ‘The Unforgiven’ are forgiven. For those who might be reading this and have never heard of ‘Stoviegate’- I’ll enlighten you. It’s a tradition in Scottish Junior Fitba’ that after a cup match the home team will lay on the stovies for the visitors – I remember travelling up to Aberdeen with Pumphy Juniors to play Glentannar in the ‘Scottish’ and having Skirly – which is, more or less, stovies wi’ a mask on- but awfy tasty nevertheless. Anyway, a few years back, Linlithgow Rose, as they were known then, in Pumphy, played in a sectional league cup tie at ‘The Theatre of Bings’ as Recreation park is often called and we beat them and they took the hump and didny come back to the Cawburn for their stovies. So, as a result, ‘The Unforgiven’ will remain unforgiven until the Lord Provost, Burgo meister, leader of the council or whatever they’ve got out that way, publicly apologizes for their despicable, and, lets be honest, reprehensible behaviour. The stovie recipe at the Cawburn is guarded by Two SAS men and a scary looking woman from Pumphy who lost a testicle in a fight with a Grizzly Bear, but fought on and won via a Ninth round knockout- that’s how tough she was. All the top chefs have tried to steal it – Rick Stein, That Cunt Ramsay, Snail porridge boy, the Pissed guy, Willie Craddock – the lot. —- Anyway it is now 11.40 and it has been a long day. After signing off with Willie Craddock at half one in the morning I went off to bed and really struggled to sleep. At Five in the morning I thought about getting up and having a cup of tea and a roll up but thought that as I was up at half seven I’d better try to get some sleep. I dozed off and woke just before the alarm at Twenty past Seven and tried to get through to the chemo bit at the hospital just after Eight, but got the answering machine and thought ‘Bugger it – I’ll just go to the hospital, explain my sleeping in for my blood samples on Friday, feel like a fanny, and see what happens. Luckily, I was able to give the blood, have it tested, nip out for a fag, nip back in, and start the chemo. I saw Dr Jacobs, the Heart boy, just after Ten and by the time I got my last injection and left the hospital it was Five o’ Clock. If it was a long day for me it must have been a Baw buster for Davy. He had his journey to Aberdeen by train interrupted by an earlier derailment and ended up getting home after Ten o’ clock and a bus from Dundee. Well done Dave – on the go for Fifteen hours – half spent in the hospital, with me – what a trooper- it was great to have him sitting there chatting away. It’s now after One o’ clock and I’m signing off for the day. Steroid City for the next Four days- Seventeen a day, plus the other tablets – and more Chemo tomorrow at 11.45.

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