What a difference a Joint makes.


Fuck sake man- what a last Five Nights ah’ve just endured. Ah lost the plot, a bit, last Night – ah smashed the Telly up. What a fuckin’ Fanny. Hand in hand by Phil Collins has just come on ma Spotify list. it’s one of my favourites. He does a version on the Youtube from Paris and ah think it’s an awfy joyous thing. Anyway, ah smashed up the Telly like a right Fanny because, basically, ah’d gone Five Days withoot a joint and it came to a heid when the Telly started to go that funny Digital way. Ah was losin the heid big time ,movin’ the Ariel a Mllimetre here, a Fit there. tryin’ tae get a decent picture, hopin tae see the end of One of the Twenty Seven, it seems like, Lake Placid Films. If ah’m bein’ perfectly honest. ah was hopin’ tae get a glimpse of Yancy Butler, who, ah think, has amazing lookin’ Eyes. The kind of Eyes, if Ye were in a Raymond Chandler thing, ye widny ken if she wanted tae shoot ye or shag ye. Turned oot she wisny in it, or ah missed the final credits to see if she had been in it. So, ah moved the Ariel aboot for what seemed an effin eternity and aboot Three Hundred and Forty Seven ‘ Fur F— sakes’ later, ah punched the Telly oot of Sheer frustration. Ah was the wee Hobbit on Mount Doom, as the molten Lava and rocks began to close in and the Eagles were’ny coming. However, they did turn up on Friday afternoon, in the form of a nice lookin’ and nice smellin’ Pipe weed as auld Glandalf wid call it. It’s a great regret in ma life that ah never knew or worked beside a Man, or Woman, called Alf, who had a Glandular problem, anyway, when the Eagles did arrive, it felt like a mixture of bein’ in Lothlorien wi Cat Ballou. The point of all this- is acceptance of the fact that ah’m a totally beyond saving Grass Heid. Ah was quite bright as a wee boy, inquisitive, loved reading and finding out aboot things, History and Capitals, Native Americans and Dinosaurs, Vikings and Romans, Countries, Planets, you name it, ah’d read aboot it. Explorers, discoveries, Battles ,Fitba ‘ obviously. Things started tae go Tits up when ah discovered Bob Hope, and ma Days of exploration and discovery ended up abruptly on Marijuana Island  – somewhere in the ‘Rocky’ Mountains.  Ye’ll notice ah said Native Americans – when ah was at Primary School they were called North American Indians or Red Indians. Is that ,in light of the Shite that’s kickin off at the moment, a crime ?. If Mrs Gillespie were or was alive, no’ quite sure what’s the proper One, should she be given a hard time for the  ‘Red Indian’ project we got in Primary Two or Three. Canny remember which one. Nae point in askin’ Jim W – he canny remember Fourth Year at High School, let alone Primary Two or P2 as it’s probably known noo. Shona [ McKerracher] wid know, ah reckon. At a ‘Bingstock’ [ Sing at the Bing] – they effed up there, Bingstock wid’ve been better – a year or Two ago ah was remin, reminis, talkin aboot Primary School wi shona and her big sister, Margaret, and we were talkin’ aboot the Primary Five, ah think, Poetry competition. Shona won it wi ‘ Leerie the Lamp lighter’ and ah got Second place or prize, ah canny remember, wi another RLS poem – ‘TheMoon’. ‘The moon has a face like the Clock in the hall/it shines on thieves on the garden wall/ on streets and fields and Harbour quays/ and the birdies asleep on the forks of the Trees. There was a Second verse but ah’m effed and ah’m calling it a Night/Morning. Ah started typing at Three minutes past Twelve- it’s Quarter tae F–k–g Four in the morning. That’s aboot Six words a minute. Miss Scuddyfanny or what ?.Anyway it’s awfy good pipe weed – fae the Shire, ah think – and life is great again. Although, tae finish for now, Ah got a letter on Friday from the Royal Infirmary. Ah’ve got a lower Limb MRA scan coming up on Tuesday at 9.15am.Ah must admit, ah did get a wee sense of Foreboding when ah saw ‘scan’ on the letter. Don’t know why. Ah’ve had a wee nigglin’ pain in ma Shoulder for Two or Three Weeks now, at the same time as ah’ve had a wee niggly pain under ma arm pit and on the left side of ma Chest. Ah’ll get in touch wi the Doctor on Monday and try to get something sorted. Ah canny keep bein’ lucky. That’s that for noo.  Later on, when ah get up, watch out for ‘ The curious case of Peanut Butter Fanny and Treacle Toffee Wullie’ and ‘The Four Tape solution’.

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