A Letter from Pumphy – 13.11.15

The curse of the Pumphy Christmas lights continued last week when the man who turned them on last year, Boabby Thomson, died suddenly. It has been the Pumpherston Popular Fronts policy over the last Five years to ask the oldest resident in the village to turn on the lights and 117 year old Boabby’s sudden death after contracting Pneumonia Three days after being run over by a bin lorry has only fuelled the villagers belief that the Christmas tree lights are cursed. He turned the lights on last Dec 1st – just a week after 115 year old Boabby Thomson [ no relation ], the previous years ‘switchy oan boy’, died suddenly a week after having both his arms and legs [ and an ear] amputated after a freak shaving accident. As if that isn’t spooky enough Three years ago 110 year old Boabby Thomson was electrocuted as he switched the lights on and was thrown Forty feet off the gantry and landed on top of the South Queensferry bus which crashed into the Forth and jettisoned Boabby in the direction of Scandinavia. Despite losing all his fingers and toes and Three of his testicles [ remember, he was ‘fae Pumphy’ ] to exposure and frostbite and losing his leg to a Great white cod, he was picked up by a long boat captained by Kirk Douglas, of all people, and safely delivered to the intensive care unit at St Johns where he died suddenly, Three days later.  There has long been talk of the ‘Curse of the Pumphy Christmas tree lights’, of course – ever since Jesus was crucified just Five months after turning on the Pumphy Christmas candles in 32 AD. Other famous names throughout history have ‘fallen victim’ to the curse – Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Julius Caesar, Amy Winehouse and the woman who had a small speaking part in a Jon Pertwee episode of  Dr Who in the early 1970’s. From 1996 to 2001 Vanessa Feltz was forced, at gunpoint, to switch the lights on in the hope that there was some truth in the curse, but the tubby bitch is still here with us – so the curse could be an old wives tale.———-