Fuckoffscopy

Ah’ve been off the site for a wee while, nothin’ much has changed durin’ the intervenin’ period as far as ‘Me bein’ a Tit’ goes, but there have been a couple of Hospital visits. The double scope was an experience, to say the least. That Camera thing goin’doon yer Gullett is an absolute C–t of a thing. Ah wid put it up there wi’ the bone sample they got fae ma Hip and the last bout of Chemo ah got before the stem cell replacement as bein’ the most uncomfortable things ah’ve ever experienced. The Bumoscopy was a Fuckin’ picnic compared tae it. Ah didny even have the Gas and Air that was offered tae me [ ah am fae Pumphy, let’s no forget] and ah felt strangely calm aw the way through it. Ye feel bloated as billy o and ah got a wee bit tense when a felt a huge Fart comin’ on- they just told me tae let rip. Ah was worried that ah’d follow through and cover the camera in Shite. The stuff they give ye tae clean oot yer Bowels [ and anythin’ between yer Bowels and yer Sheriffs Badge] does what it says on the tin, so ah had nothin’ tae worry aboot.   Ah also visited the Infirmary and was told that they will be able to make ma legs work a bit better. Strugglin tae walk is an awfy C–T of a thing. Ah loved walkin’ up a Hill and lookin’ at the surroundin’ beauty below. Ah loved kickin’ a Ba’ and playin’ Fitba’. Ah’ve become sick and tired and disillusioned wi’ alot of things as ah’ve grown older, the ‘The Beautiful Game’, bein’ one of them, which has become like the Picture of Dorian Grey in that it can still look beautiful on the outside but it’s totally ugly and corrupt on the inside. One things for sure- ah’ll never get tired of kickin’ a Ba’ at any opporchancity ah get.    At this point ah’ll  dae a Braveheart and blaw smoke oot ma ain Erse- a couple of years ago the Boabby Thomson Cancer Bus branch of the Pumphy Juniors supporters Association were at Armadale for a League match. Ah must say at this point that Dunc wisny there- he doesny do away games and Armadale can be a bit edgy, like a Hibs Motherwell game at Fir Park, so there was no way the man who feigned a ‘Funny turn’ at Lochore when Callum and a Lochore fan were exchangin’ pleasantries, was goin’ to Armadale. Anyway, we didny play well but they were the better team.  So, Callum and I were behind the goals that the dale were attackin’ and a wayward shot came flyin’ through the air headin’ towards us [at pace] and ah just stood there, nonchalant like, and casually trapped it dead on the outside left heel of ma Doc Martin. There was a ‘Fuck sake mister, nice one’ and a couple of gasps and cheers at this wonderful exhibition of Ball control. Even after the match on the way out, a couple of people commented. Ah should’ve been struttin’ oot there like Maradonna or Zidane, but, the fact that, in ma attempt tae kick the Ba’ back tae the Goalie after ma breathtakin’ bit of skill, ah nearly decapitated a wee laddie sittin’ on the perimeter fence. Ah didny hit him but just missin’ his heid  produced the loudest ‘Thank Fuck’ gasp of the whole match. Ah think that sums up ma life perfectly- fae the sublime tae the ridiculous in Ten seconds. ………………….. Well, that’s Christmas over and done wi’ for another year. Ah’ve thought for a wee while that this could be ma last one. Ah just think that the auld luck that’s been good tae me in the past canny go on. This week’s been a bit of a nightmare tae be honest. The Whisky ah got for the festive week was gone in a few drunken hours= a bottle of Old Pulteney, half a bottle of Tamnavulin and the last of ma Uigeadail, plus a bottle of Rioja which was spilled, mostly. Ah think that was Tuesday night and ah got tae bed at half Seven in the mornin’. ah’d been on the medication as well- ma prescribed stuff and a wee sleepin’ aid and when ah woke later ah had cuts and bruises on ma heid and legs, a Fuck off bruise on ma Knee and a big scratch on ma right side. Ah’d obviously taken a heider at some point durin’ the previous night. Wee Stewies Santa hat had been knocked off and a bottle of wine and a bottle of Port had been in ma flight path because they wereny in the same spot as they had been. Ah had an Alec Guinness moment at the end of Bridge over the river Kwai and thought ‘What have ah done’. Ah’ve basically been hidin’ fae the world since then, takin’ a couple of val doonicans on top of the Amitryptilenes and the Floxy’s, goin’ tae ma bed, gettin’ up and doin’ exactly the same. Ah chose no’ tae go tae Davy and Julies on Christmas Eve and Chrismas day and spent the days here instead. Praise the Baby Jesus for bringin’ Linda  intae the world [ ma Faither thought we were aw somebody elses] – we were aw his – of that there is no doubt. Anyway, Davy and Julie had a bit of a houseful and ah just didny want tae be in a relatively confined space wi’ Three or Four people. Ah hardly go oot ah know who ah’ve been in contact wi- ah don’t know about other peoples bubbles but if they aw got stuck the gither, the bairns wid love this gigantic bubble but auld and vulnerable folk’ll be effed. Ah’ve no’ opened any of the presents ah got- apart from Linda’s Christmas cake, which has made up most of my dinners for the last Three days. Ah’ve eaten a tub of Pringles and a big bag of Pigs in Blankets flavoured Crisps. anyway that’s me hit the word target for tonight,…….. more soon.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.